We slow down before the Finish Line

It's the 4th and final term of the year, and I no longer feel the motivation. I might not get my card cause i've failed to submit [or even do] my parish involvement. I know I should be working hard, proving myself, but I honestly cannot be bothered. It's just a matter of time until we graduate this year and find ourselves in SUMMER.

It's 8:30 and I have yet to take my evening bath, finish the homework of the new lesson I missed, construct a Lesson Plan and create an actual LESSON. STAP week next, there's just so much a single person can handle, and creating a step-by-step plan of all the things i intend to do during a lesson, not my cup of tea.

BTW, I'm thinking about changing my blog layout to something.. perkier. The black does me no good, it puts me in the state of surreal calmness, where everything has a dark side. I want a colour that reminds me of childhood innocence and light streaming into bubblebaths.

I Just Wanna be Ok, be Ok.

I have felt lonelier before, but sitting all alone in this silent house makes me depressed.

I'm sad.

Nobody is online, since there's school tomorrow.

But even if they were, I'd have no one to talk to.

The person I need the most is halfway across the world.

And my calls wont go through.

I want to talk to some random stranger.

Somebody who doesnt know who I am.

Somebody I dont have to prove anything to.

Somebody who will just listen, and not see me differently the next day.

But there's nobody out there.

Not even the sad, soulful voice in a song.

I feel so alone.

Wake up the Dawn and ask her, Why?

How wrong is it to wish a person to death? To ask God to take that person's life because you're so sick of them. Is it really such a horrible act? How about if that person is causing so much pain, is suffering himself, and probably has no future left?

It's funny how I'm my strongest when i'm surrounded by weaker, more emotional people. I sense their despair and i know i have to hold myself together. Seeing them grieve is also what makes me feel strong. It's not like i feed off their sadness, i just realise that there's no need for two weepers in a confined space.

My mother's tears gathered at the rim of her eyes, she was trying her best to disguise them, but I always know when she's about to cry because her nose turns red. I kept to myself, arms clutched around my body, so that i wouldn't fall apart. I hate seeing her cry, she is so strong and when i finally see that every superhero has a weakness, i see darkness which wasn't there before. I heard the profanities leaking out of his mouth, each word tainted with anger and depression, his eyes glazed over, like a blind man. He cursed and cursed as if he was suffering a thousand deaths, and even though i knew it wasn't in his control, anger surged beneath my skin, and i silently told myself, I hate him.

When he was out of the room, my mother turned to me with her sorry face, and shook her head.
"Why can't God take him?" She whispered to me. Secretly, I was asking the same thing.
"Why is God making us suffer like this? Why is God making him suffer? It would be better if he took him, please, God, please."
I know it was a horrible thing to wish for, but I really do think he'd be better off in heaven, where he wouldn't have to pay to fly to the moon, where he can see his dearly beloved stars, where he can experience spring on Jupiter and Mars.

Destination

I found this on Mon's blogspot, it was written by our good friend Elyza. I can't really explain the feeling i got when i read this, all i know is that it's so beautiful, and so true.



We can lie to ourselves sometimes becaues we want to believe the better thing. But no matter what, the truth hurts, the truth freaking hurts. Its easy to lie nowadays, with all the make up and pretty smiles we put on. If having things out the way you wanted them to is a measure of a succesful life, then some would say I'm a failure. The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past.. and recognise that everyday won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember that its only in the black night that you can see the stars, & those stars will lead you back home. So don't be afraid to stumble and fall.. because most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you've wished for... Maybe you'll get more than you could have imagined..Who knows where life will take you? The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination.

All I Want for Christmas

It's funny how as you get older, the less magic you see around you. A child can concoct a whole world with just a little imagination, and an adult? An adult refuses to see something beyond it's material.

I remember how psyched I used to be about Christmas. It was Christmas! A magical season of happiness and presents, of course. I even made my sister bake a batch of cookies and lay them out on the coffee table for Santa, of course I wouldn't let her get all the credit from Santa, so I sloppily poured a glass of milk, most of it hit the floor instead of the glass, but that didn't matter. I stayed up as late as I could, trying to disguise myself behind the staircase banisters so Santa wouldn't see me, ocassionally I got peckish and stole a cookie from the plate, I thought my family would think Santa had eaten all of them so it didn't make a difference right? I think the left the plate with 1 cookie by the end of the night.

I know I got tired waiting for Santa, and my mother constantly telling me he wouldn't show up if I waited for him, so the fear of no presents on Christmas was enough to drive me to bed in a flash.

The next day, the little school socks I had hung up by the window were filled with chocolate and candy, I jumped up on my bed and screamed "Santa came last night!", all our socks were filled to the brim, and the Christmas Tree was bombarded with gifts.

The festive spirit was so strong in those days, making everything seem so much more joyous and.. enchanting. Today, Christmas doesn't feel like the most magical time of year, it feels like another hassle of getting gifts for everyone and spending all your money.

So Santa, all I'm asking for is a little enchantment this Christmas Season. Make it a memorable one, Please?