It's hard to look back and see the truth.

I feel somewhat sad. Not the obvious sadness, but the kind that creeps up on you and reminds you of a time long ago, where things were much happier and vivid, and the nostalgia leaves you feeling funny because you realize that you no longer live in colour like you used to. It's like finishing an episode of your favourite tv show and realizing you have to wait a week for the next one, or submitting a project when you know that you could have done so much better.

I don't know if I've matured or if something inside me died.

Maybe it's the paranoia, I've been so paranoid lately, and by lately I mean a year or so. I've been growing up a lot in the past few years and faced things that not many of my peers have faced. Maybe that's what makes some of the daily happenings seem like pointless footnotes in a world of such bigger events.

And it worries me, because I don't want to be that grayscale person with the cloud constantly overhead. Wasn't I a fun person, once upon a time?  Wasn't I carefree and loud and energetic? I don't feel that way anymore, I feel like there's a barrier that stops me once I reach a certain level of energy, and now I just can't be bothered to get any higher. But it makes me so sad to think that I'll never be that childish again.

Is this growing up, or is this just sadness?

I've always been saying that when a person you love dies, a part of you dies too.

But it's not just that, it can't be.