It's hard to look back and see the truth.

I feel somewhat sad. Not the obvious sadness, but the kind that creeps up on you and reminds you of a time long ago, where things were much happier and vivid, and the nostalgia leaves you feeling funny because you realize that you no longer live in colour like you used to. It's like finishing an episode of your favourite tv show and realizing you have to wait a week for the next one, or submitting a project when you know that you could have done so much better.

I don't know if I've matured or if something inside me died.

Maybe it's the paranoia, I've been so paranoid lately, and by lately I mean a year or so. I've been growing up a lot in the past few years and faced things that not many of my peers have faced. Maybe that's what makes some of the daily happenings seem like pointless footnotes in a world of such bigger events.

And it worries me, because I don't want to be that grayscale person with the cloud constantly overhead. Wasn't I a fun person, once upon a time?  Wasn't I carefree and loud and energetic? I don't feel that way anymore, I feel like there's a barrier that stops me once I reach a certain level of energy, and now I just can't be bothered to get any higher. But it makes me so sad to think that I'll never be that childish again.

Is this growing up, or is this just sadness?

I've always been saying that when a person you love dies, a part of you dies too.

But it's not just that, it can't be.

BLACK PROM.

So, the theatrical musical I was a part of for the past 2 months has finally come to a close. I don't know how to feel, because Black Prom gave me so much to be happy about. Acting is one of my first passions, and to be able to do it again seemed surreal. Yes, the hours were long and it was hard to balance sleep, school, friends and BlueRepertory, but it was so worth it in every way. I don't know what I'll be doing from 4pm-10pm now. I don't know how I'll spend my breaks in college. I don't know what jokes I'll be telling! This is horrible. But nonetheless, I'm so grateful it happened.

The summer we sat in the sun, we raised you.

Saliva dried up in our mouths like an August drought, and a thin layer of sweat filmed our faces. Eyes squinted up at the sky as the sun burned holes through our eyelids. We were children on the bridge to adulthood, teenagers, still discovering our place in the world, questioning if there was even such a thing.

Ripened peaches fell from the trees and hit the ground like canonballs, their fuzzy skin bursting with juices; flies hovered over the destroyed fruit, sucking up their nectar. The sweet stench filled the hot air, both refreshing and sickly.

It was the peak of summer, the orchard alive with birds and bees. We were tasked to stay outside and scare the pests away when we would much rather be jumping into cool, clean waters, drenching our clothes, and playing with the frogs. 

Those days were the epitome of summer:  lying in the orchard and swimming in the lakes, walking through the amber woods, hours of car drives going nowhere in particular, and nights around the dining table, stuffing our faces with mom's meals, fighting and loving and dancing in the living room, carving our names onto the porch and meeting that one boy secretly in the middle of the night.

Braulio's keg party

Words that would melt in your hands.

Oh my god, you guys. Oh my god!
Something amazing and downright lucky has happened to me!
Let me take you through a virtual step-by-step tour.


It was really late at night when I was checking out my blog, and I came across this:

And I was like, yeah that's totally me that's from Tricia Gosingtian's blogpost about Bloggers United (the bazaar I went to a few days ago where I was lucky enough to get a photo with her, and in return she took one of me) So I wondered why somebody was asking, so I decided to go to Tricia's blog and check out that specific post. `Lo and behold! What do I find? Yes, someone is actually asking about me!

So I'm like, WHOAH what is this? Somebody likes my style! BUT THAT'S NOT THE BEST PART, GUYS. WAIT FOR IT ..

I was alone in my bedroom so I didn't exactly have to keep composure

This, my friends, is an exact portrayal of my emotions at that given time.

So I messaged her back as soon as I could, attempting to keep the over-analyzing at a bare minimum, and then the best thing happened!

I just don't understand how blessed I can be! Albeit, my life works in a series of cycles, I have a few months of total shit, then it suddenly does a 180 and life becomes a rainbow for a while .. soon enough it turns to shit, then back to a rainbow and so on.

Anyway, of course I wrote a lovely message back to her but guess what I find out?

........ 

WHY NOT? DAMN YOU TWITTER! YOU MADE ME REPLY HER VIA A MENTION AND SHE PROBABLY GETS 3243024324 MENTIONS EACH HOUR! NOW SHE'LL THINK I'M NOT INTERESTED AND SHE'LL FORGET ABOUT ME AND LEAVE ME TO DIE.

So I emailed her Gmail, and my fingers are crossed she sees it and replies sometime. I feel so lucky that I managed to catch her eye, and you cannot imagine how happy I am! I'm shitting rainbows! And I feel a bit bad because I don't want people to think I'm bragging, I'm just sharing this very happy experience with all of you. If it does push through, you can bet I will blog like hell about it.

Cross your fingers for me, guys!