Sunday, 6 January 2008


I always wonder what somebody's last thoughts might be, just before they kill themselves.

Do they think about their families? About how much pain they're going to cause? About the sacrifices. About the blood and sweat their fathers, husbands, or they went through, to support the family. The trouble of keeping a household together, and about how it's all going down the drain. All of it, the tears, the heartache, the joys.

Or do they think about their friends? When they played with their toy cars and dolls. When they first learnt to ride a bike. Their first pair of high heels, or their very first time to shave. Their first kiss. That time they got so drunk.. About the times they stood by each other, the petty fights, the betrayal. The good times, when they were just kids and parties, drank, flirted. About when they actually managed to get through high school without dying. About when they promised they'd be there for each other when the other went to jail. About their first days in college, their graduation. And when they had to say goodbye to each other forever, to get on with their lives.

Maybe they think about random things going on in the current world? The price of oil is getting extremely high.. I didn't pick up the laundry. When will the president resign? Is she still in jail? What's at the bottom of the ocean? Why are there tv sets in hospital rooms when they're apparently bad for the health? Will they find the cure for cancer?

Or maybe they think about their lives? Is God watching me here? Does God know that I'm throwing away the life he gave me? The life that had so many good moments, but im still not satisfied with? The life that caused me all this depression and hatred. The life that was never worth anything. The life that was a mistake. The life that only came to be because of one crazy night. A night that brought misery to my mothers life. The night that my father swore his love to her, but then apparently didn't have enough love for a child, or her after that.

well they might think about their afterlives..? do they believe that everything will be okay? Can you be haunted in your afterlife? Chased down by the memory of what you did, and the pain you inflicted. The hurt you caused. By taking your life, you could've taken 2 others aswell. What about your children? What will happen to them? Growing up knowing that you killed yourself, they didn't bring enough joy to your life. Can you realise the mistake you made, wherever you go after you die? Can you realise and see, it was never worth it?