Thursday, 30 April 2009


Right now, I am listening to the last of the rain drops and the distant blur of the television. I'm glad today is a relaxed day, but I'm still trying to convince my parents to go out for dinner. I saw Chili's yesterday, and I haven't been there in ages. Just the sign of red neon stirred fond memories and the suppresed scent of Country Fried Chicken.

I finally saw my friends after the longest time yesterday. I went to get my haircut but the dude wasn't there so I just got a manicure instead. Cami convinced Joshua to pick me up otherwise I'd be 2 hours late. I spent heckuva lotta money on Mango Sorbet in Cold Rock, it was good but.. expensive. We watched the gayest movie ever, can't even remember the title. Something with Pettigrew. There was no storyline so I advise everyone against watching it! Seriously. Save your money. Oh I got my Holga film developed. It'll be done tomorrow. :)

Ive been doing a lot of writing, amazingly with a pen! And i'll type it up and show the world once the story is done.

Friday, 24 April 2009

Don't you think we oughtta know by now?

I am letting go of the negativity. I am taking control of my actions. I am going to be more positive. I am going to be more reasonable. I am going to show my appreciation. I am going to turn the light on in the dark places of my mind. I am going to free the girl that has been locked up inside me.
And a hundred dazzling stars, are going to lead her home.

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Phone booths and stammered words.

I read this amazingly touching online diary, I shared it with Darren and it really touched him, too. I want everyone who reads this blog to find some time to read just the intro. It's about the last remaining days you have with a person, and it's a true story.

A certain blog called Le Love Image (where I get so many wonderful photos from, I highly recommend you go check it out) makes me feel a certain way. It makes me want to express my love to the fullest. But as a person, I feel very awkward expressing my love. The last time I told my dad I love him, he was in a hospital bed. That was about 8 months ago, I'm scared to say it. I don't know why.

Sing a Song of Time

Conversations echo through the room, clinking of coffee mugs and stirring of spoons.
A heavy aroma of the blackest brew lingers, embedded in the velvet couches.
He looks up from his silver teaspoon, spilling sugar crystals, and smiles at me.
I walk from the doorway and sit across him, polite questions asked and answered.
Interrupted by the hiss of steamed milk, and the shouts behind the counter, our eyes linger, then pull away, ashamed.
The scent of the sugary delights behind the glass counters catch the both of us and avoidance is unquestionable.
A plate of deep, brown chocolate dessert is brought to the small table, whispering temptations between layers of cocoa and cream.
Forks cut into the slice, and conversation picks up.
Laughter finds freedom under the fairylights and smiles reflect on every smooth, glass surface.
Lovestruck couples hold hands on the cobblestone roads outside, glowing silver with moonlight and joy.
Watches tick in different beats, a tune to a dance that never ends, reminding me of how young the night is, and how much more time I have yet to spend.

She took it from his Lilywhite hand.

Sometimes I have this urge to write. I just feel like writing, talking to myself and writing it down on paper, but I don't have anything to write about. When this situation comes along, I have only one solution:
Seek Inspiration
I browse through Photobucket, Flickr or Deviant Art, looking for a Photo that triggers something in me. Sometimes I don't know what it triggers, I just feel the switch flick on inside me, and I know that I want to write something about it. If I have no luck with the photos, I shuffle through my iPod and find some sort of stimulating song. Right now, the song Any Other World by Mika is actually fueling my drive to write this blog right. With a strong violin melody and light vocals, it's the perfect thing to keep me calm yet focused.
So now, I'm going to seek inspiration, let's see what I come up with, shall we?

Monday, 20 April 2009

One Mile to Every Inch

Sweet picture, right? Well the entry is written in a guys point of view.


You lay next to me like a messy heap of pink cotton pajamas and tangled hair. Your body climbs and falls with the beat of your breaths, waves of sleep crash onto the shore. Your pretty face buried in the pillowcase, one hand clutched to the blanket, the other draped lazily over me. Your sleeping methods get the best of me. I run my hand over your soft arm, writing your name with my finger. You twitch a little, and I'm worried I woke you up. But your soft snores assure me that I haven't. I play with a lock of your hair, twisting it round and round my finger. You mumble inaudible words, and pull your face out of the soft rummage. In a moment of consciousness, you stare straight at me, then let your head drop back into slumber. I play with your squishy fingers, tapping the fleshy parts. You sniff the cold air back into your system, and shiver at the rush. I can't help but laugh at your quirks. You're like a little gypsy in your own way, constantly moving and adjusting yourself, yet never leaving me behind. I'm hooked to this caravan of yours, and your magical ways.

Soon to find myself somewhere else.

I know I've still got a while, but I'm so keen about University. It's like my chance of escape! How can I not be keen. Anyway, I've spent the day looking at Uni's which offer Journalism courses in the UK, I have yet to look through Aus but I think it'd be easier in the UK since I'm British and I'd get benefits. I want to go somewhere that's creative and open-minded, but still isn't packed with activists and whatnot. I want the freedom but still the direction, and I want a scholarly, sophisticated air.
However, I've been worrying about requirements (Ok, I know its still yonks from now, but still) because the UK usually uses A-Levels and since my school doesnt provide that, I'm looking for an equivalent but I'm not 100% sure what that equivalent is. My dad said I might have to take some pre-college exams during the summer and stuff.
Only thing I'm sure about is that I'm going abroad, I'm definetely not staying here. I'm sorry, but I'm not. And thankfully my whole higher education is covered, so big whoop in Copenhagen!

Sunday, 19 April 2009

Perfectly Imperfect.

Movie made by the storyteller.

Laws & Rebels

Hey guys,
I've been writing a bit, amazingly with a pen, and it's all in a notebook so i'll post them here when I can, well, when I feel like it.

So I'm not going to elaborate but I've been so stressed `cause I have this responsibility that feels too big for me to handle. I mean, I want to help my mom out but sometimes its just too difficult, you know? Especially if they something brings out negativity, which this one does. But it's bloody hard because I know it's really important, as in REALLY important, so yeah. Sigh, this will make me stronger.

Summer. So far, it's been okay. I mean, the not going to malaysia thing was just an utter bummer but hopefully lienne, mon and sarah can come to the phlip side when its their summer (julyish) which would be really good. I really hope Cami's batangas thing pushes through, nobody has any idea how bad i need the beach. The beach is like. A part of me. I haven't gone in soo long, I have this feeling that if I go, I'll find happiness somewhere, you know? Sounds so strange, i get it, but I just think I'll see a little clearer if I go to the beach. I can't go out til my mom gets back from her province, which is hopefully tomorrow. I haven't been going out much but I don't feel that bored :/ Maybe cause I really hate my school, so I'm not missing it :P

Sigh, another thing. Awile ago I felt really down again, and I realised that I kind of don't have anyone to talk to :/ I have really awesome friends but I dont think there's anyone here I can tell everything to, you know? Nobody i can pour my guts out to, no one. I couldn't think of anyone I wanted to text. I miss my friends in malaysia :(

Emina wrote a blog about our adventures in year nine, nearly made me cry :( here's her blog, it's pretty fcking fantastic: Undulate.
check it out.

Sigh, another thing. I want to be an actress. Not as a career, but I want acting to be a part of my life, bigger than it already is. It sounds so superficial and out of reach, though. I mean, I haven't really had any training aside from 2 and a half years of drama classes at Garden, don't know if that actually counts, though. :/ My mom has a close friend with contacts, Robin Padilla's sister actually, but she's always so busy with her.. stuff. Anyway.

Signing out.

Saturday, 18 April 2009

The Half Blood Prince

Guys! Harry Potter is coming out on July 15th, I just saw about 5 different trailers and they were all awesome! :) I have to admit, the Potter fever is catching me because I've been so obsessed with it for the past week. It started with SparkNotes, I read the analysis for Harry Potter and found out some things i didn't expect, so I reread the first and last book (you can really see how well JK Rowlings writing improved) in about, 1 night each (i didn't read them word for word, just the interesting parts) and then on eNews they announced that the trailer was out! So I jumped onto the computer and watched them as soon as I got up this morning, it looks like a really good movie. I just hope it doesnt let me down because that one's my favourite book. For those who didn't read the book, watch the movie :) For those who arent allowed to read/watch Harry Potter.. uhm. Read under the covers at night, your parents will never know ;)
kidding don't do that.

Here are some movie stills

Lol i'm sorry but the expression of the guy behind Ron, on the left, distracts me. I think thats meant to be Lee Jordan, not sure, but he looks funny.

Harry and Ginny, as if you didn't know.

One of the many movie posters.

Dumbledore, yay!

Baby Tom Riddle. Okay, not a baby. Kid.
Anyway, yeah. I'm so excited, I love Harry Potter! I want to get "Tales of Beedle the Bard" but I'm gonna borrow from Gia to see if it's worth it, first :P
Nothing interesting happening in my life, so yeah. Bye!

Friday, 17 April 2009


Vincent showed me this hilarious website of embarassing stories, things that make you go "fuck my life!" here are some examples.

Today, I was walking back to my home in the city in the dark. I'm paranoid, so when I saw movement behind me I clutched my mace. The faster I walked, the closer the person seemed to be. I spun around and sprayed my attacker with mace. It was my shadow and the wind blew the mace back into eyes. FML

Sounds like something I would do :/

Today, I was going on a plane to Chicago. My passport picture is 6 years old, and back then I was a beautiful model. Now, I gave birth to a child and gained 50 lbs. When I showed my passport to the airport attendents, I got arrested for stealing someone's passport. FML

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 5 years having sex with my best friend. When they saw me they immediately stopped and said nothing. After about 5 seconds of silence my boyfriend yells "April fools!!". April Fools was 12 days ago. FML

Today, my family and I ran into a older man my parents knew. He counitinually asked me questions like do you play football, have you started shaving yet, etc. I thought he was joking. He told my parents I had grown into quite a young man. I am a girl and he wasn't joking. FML
Today, my friend and I were seeing a movie. We ended up sitting next to a man who was continually laughing, clapping, and bouncing up and down on his seat. Extremely annoyed, we turned to him and told him to "shut the fuck up". Turns out he had downs syndrome and ran out of the theater crying. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smell like my grandmother's house." FML

Today, my ten year old son realized something. Beer is alcohol. People who drink a lot of alcohol are alcoholics. Therefore I am an alcoholic for drinking beer with dinner. He told everyone at his conservative private school and they tried to have an intervention. They pray for me every day. FML

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room... my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

Today, my mom : "You and your dad like all the same foods right? Try this for me", she then proceeds to give me a strawberry flavored jelly. I say that it tastes good and ask what she gave me. "It's my new nipple cream, I want to surprise your dad tonight." FML

Today, I was riding on a stationary exercise bike at home, when I went to get off, my shorts got stuck under the seat. I dangled half upside down until my shorts ripped and I fell on the ground face first breaking my front tooth. I broke my tooth riding a bike that doesn’t even move. FML

Today, I was at a gay bar and asking a really convincing drag queen about her daily routine. I asked how she tucked her penis in. She responded, "Um, I'm a woman." I said, "Oh I'm sorry, are you pre-op or post-op?" She said, "No, I always have been and always will be a woman, asshole." FML

Today, I told my mom about my night terrors in which I am laying in a ditch with people shooting at me, and I have no ammunition to defend myself. She told me I should stop being such a whiny bitch, and to grow up and be a man. I am 20 and got back from Iraq 10 months ago. FML

Today, I was at a window seat on a bus full of people when I saw a person lying motionless in a gutter. I jumped up, nearly hysterical, screaming for the driver to stop because there was a guy really hurt on the road. An emergency stop and huge commotion ensued. It turned out to be some garbage. FML

Okay, seriously you have to read them for yourself, theyre hilarious.

so much fun to laugh at people's horrible moments :D

Glass panes and White walls

I am waiting for something to shake my life. This thing, I don't know what it is, I don't know the magnitude of it, I don't know when it'll come. I just want that big slap in the face, that gives me some direction. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing when every today is the same as yesterday and the tomorrows don't have anything coming. I am content with my life as it is, but I want something that just makes things clear.

Life is like a room with a window, a huge, dusty window. When we feel trapped, we try to look outside to the comfort of the beautiful garden, but the dust is often too thick. We try and try, we strain our eyes and claw at the glass, fighting for the answer. Our own anxiety and desperation keeps us from noticing the glass cleaner often in our hands. Sometimes we miss it entirely, and break the window with a clenched fist just to peek outside. In this case, the window is ruined, we see the answer, but we took the wrong road. Those who break the glass usually end up regretting their violence when they see their bloody hands, but everyone breaks the window at least once in their lives. Those with enough sense to use the gentle approach of the glass cleaner manage to get their answers, maybe not to everything, but they have what they need to know. After time, dust settles on the window once again, and we struggle for our answers once more.
I think, it's only when you're older, after many attempts at seeking answers, breaking and cleaning the window, we realise that the beauty of the room is the whole thing, what we have drawn on the walls, and the whole window, broken glass, dust and all.

Thursday, 16 April 2009


Scary stuff.

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

This is your Footprint.

Think about it. I'd love reactions.

Inspiration hits me harder than any boy could ever.

Hey guys,
So I blogged like mad yesterday, I swear I can't get enough of it! It's like the coolest thing ever to me! Sadly my blog isn't International, I wish it was.
Ugh okay so I was just in a good mood and since my moods have the ability to change in 2 seconds flat, my dad has put me in an annoyed one.

Anyway, Inspiration hit me today. I know I haven't finished my story yet and I will complete it. I almost always start something so enthusiastically and I never finish it, but I will make myself finish that story. But today I was reading about some acting techniques because I was thinking of things to do for club next year, and I decided that I really want to write another play. I've written two so far that have been performed, and I really like my plays. Sadly, I can never come up with an interesting enough story line so my plays are usually adapted from something that already exists. This new play, I decided to be based on Rent. You know, the multi-winning Tony Award Musical about 7 bohemians that suffer through povery and HIV in New York during the 80s? Well it's my most favourite musical, ever, it's very edgey and rockish and awe-so-some. So my play (which is still untitled, I've only made the scenes so far) is the teen version. The characters have the same names (still deliberating on that one) and they're around 17-18 years old, and each of them has a problem such as poverty, abusive parents, drug abuse and homosexuality. Though I'm still not sure about this play, I don't want it to be too similar to Rent otherwise it'd just be like, the kiddy version. I want it to have the same essence but have a different story. I don't know how to do that :/
I'd really appreciate ideas :)

Oh and just to tell you, I finished a new book! It's A Painted House by John Grisham and it's pretty good, made me laugh out loud in some parts. I didn't like the ending that much `cos it just left me guessing about what happens next. :(

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Pink Linen & White Paper

Michelle reminded me of how we used to blog on windows live spaces, ohh those were the days. I went back to check what my weird 13-year-old self was writing about, here's some stuff :)

Flashes of pain. Spasms.
The voice inside your head. Telling you what to do.
Feel any better? No.
Take more. Okay.
Wash it down with gin.
Not working. Put your head in the oven.
Memories, drifting into your head.
Tears escape your eyes. Running down your cheeks. Droplets landing on the floor.
A teardrop, the sound is deafening.
5th birthday party. Sisters wedding. New dog. New Car. That holiday.. Grandads funeral.
My funeral next.
Any affect? No. No feeling. My body is numb.
The house is queit. They'll come back home and find me.
This isnt working fast enough.
There window on the second floor is pretty high...
No. Just go to sleep. It will be painless.
Fall asleep and never wake up.
Haha. Scary stuff. Here's the next, not any better:

Plunge. Headfirst into the water.
Cold air, whipping at your feet.
Thoughts fill your head
Adrenaline filling you up.
You reach the water.
The coldness stuns your body
You forget to pull up.
You jumped with too much power.
You forgot that last, vital movement.
Its too late.
The water turns bloody.

HAHAH OH MY GOD I READ SOME REALLY FUNNY STUFF, WAIT LET ME GO BACK TO NORMAL LETTERS there we go, okay i found so hilarious conversations I had with Nikky and Mon and some retarded convo about me charging this dude 30% more on tax because he called my Ewe a duck, and called its LASERS red and green "lines". Hoeemygod i was a retard.
Okay I am a retard. Here's a taste:

oanna- [goo?] says:
well.. my ewe can make the tails on your house FALL OFF
Joanna- [goo?] says:
and the groud goes *scccoooorrrrcchhhiiiinnnn*
Joanna- [goo?] says:
- x {[I'M THOOPER.]} es como usted decir algo más. says:
groud. HAHA.
Joanna- [goo?] says:
sounds the same

a while later...
Joanna- [goo?] says:
i chopped horsey up and fed him to the french!
Joanna- [goo?] says:
and the crowd goes *OOUUUCCCHHH*
Joanna- [goo?] says:
how did u know?!
- x {[I'M THOOPER.]} es como usted decir algo más. says:
- x {[I'M THOOPER.]} es como usted decir algo más. says:
i thought the crowd went to lunch?
Joanna- [goo?] says:
theyre back
Joanna- [goo?] says:
Joanna- [goo?] says:
shes stuck a bomb on his nose, LOOK
{[I'M THOOPER.]} es como usted decir algo más. says:
ITS RUDOLPHS NOSE. you know, the one you get during christmas where you put it round your head and it GLOWS.

Hoe my gosh this is mighty exciting! I'm going to link this blog post to Nicole.
More to come!

Snow on Cedars

I was browsing around SparkNotes when I decided to look through book guides, I found some pretty neat quotations from books i had read a while back, decided to paste them here. I'd appreciate it if you left a carving telling me about whichever comment you liked, or hated, even better if you wanna react. You can also comment about a typo which might accidentally occur if you want ;)

You see, . . . you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too — even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling.
- Tuesdays with Morrie

“The Bible represents a fundamental guidepost for millions of people on the planet, in much the same way the Koran, Torah, and Pali Canon offer guidance to people of other religions. If you and I could dig up documentation that contradicted the holy stories of Islamic belief, Judaic belief, Buddhist belief, pagan belief, should we do that? Should we wave a flag and tell the Buddhists that the Buddha did not come from a lotus blossom? Or that Jesus was not born of a literal virgin birth? Those who truly understand their faiths understand the stories are metaphorical.”
- The Da Vinci Code

There was only this perfect sympathy of movement, of turning this earth of theirs over and over to the sun, this earth which formed their home and fed their bodies and made their gods . . . Some time, in some age, bodies of men and women had been buried there, houses had stood there, had fallen, and gone back into the earth. So would also their house, some time, return into the earth, their bodies also. Each had his turn at this earth. They worked on, moving together—together—producing the fruit of this earth.
- The Good Earth

It didn't matter in the end how old they had been, or that they were girls, but only that we had loved them, and that they hadn't heard us calling, still do not hear us, up here in the tree house, with our thinning hair and soft bellies, calling them out of those rooms where they went to be alone for all time, alone in suicide, which is deeper than death, and where we will never find the pieces to put them back together.
- The Virgin Suicides

I . . . looked in the mirror. . . . I was strong. I was pure. I had genuine thoughts inside that no one could see, that no one could ever take away from me. I was like the wind. . . . And then I draped the large embroidered red scarf over my face and covered these thoughts up. But underneath the scarf I still knew who I was. I made a promise to myself: I would always remember my parents' wishes, but I would never forget myself.
- The Joy Luck Club

I seen hundreds of men come by on the road an' on the ranches, with their bindles on their back an' that same damn thing in their heads . . . every damn one of 'em's got a little piece of land in his head. An' never a God damn one of 'em ever gets it. Just like heaven. Ever'body wants a little piece of lan'. I read plenty of books out here. Nobody never gets to heaven, and nobody gets no land.
- Of Mice and Men

Chapter 11: Guilty Pleasures

Exhausted from his morning ride, Prince Leo jumped off his horse and rested beneath a shady tree, on soft earth. He closed his eyes and day-dreamed about a worry-less life of all you can eat meat buffets and endless supplies of razors (he hated the 5 o clock shadow). A wolf's howl echoed through the grey forest, Leo instantly sat upright. He kept very still, listening for the fainted sound of movement. Nothing, he sighed, relieved. Leo traced the marks on his forearm where a hungry wolf had bit and tried to kill him years before. It was a mark of the warrior inside of him, a symbol of his strength and luck. But nevertheless, it was still a scar, and that meant he was tainted forever.

His horse stared through the trees with its big, black eyes and started walking past him
"Caspian, Stop!" He ordered.

The horse ignored him and kept walking. Leo tugged Caspian's rein, but the strong stallion broke free and made it ways faster through the thick trunks and deeper into the dark forest. Leo ran after the stubborn Caspian, who was now galloping past the trees at full speed, jumping over knocked down trunks and splashing through muddy brooks. Suddenly, Caspian abruptly stopped, letting his owner catch up and whip the horse on its back before noticing the dead girl in the middle of the glade.

Leo rushed over to her side, her skin was so pale, almost translucent, and her body lay limp. He touched her face, ice cold. It sent shivers up and down his spine. He could see the blue and green veins through her eyelids, he lifted them up to check her eyes. Pale, dead blue, like a blind man. Her lips, Leo couldn't take his eyes away from them. They were full of colour, bursting with red on her pale face, like a drop of red paint on a blank canvas, he felt drawn to them. He ran his finger over her lip, it was soft.. Velvety.. Perfect.

The prince looked around, no one in sight. He looked at the dead girl... she looked very pretty just... lying there. He looked at Caspian, who had led him there for some reason. A horse could never tell...

Leo looked over the corpse, his hands fumbling at his knees. He looked around once more to make sure no one was watching, he then slipped a sleeve of her dress off her shoulder and traced his finger along her collarbone.
Very pretty indeed..

He stroked the side of her face, and licked his lips at the sight of her full, red ones. They looked like plump cherries, ripe and full of juice... Leo wanted to savour his desire, he knew what he was about to do would be very wrong, it would be sick. He could easily go home and bring one of his pretty maids to his room... But there was something about this dead girl. Out of everything in the universe, he only wanted her.
One kiss.

He leaned forward, hesitated for a second,

If I am going to do this crazy thing, I might as well make the most of it.

He carefully arranged her limp arms around his neck, placed one of his hands on her waist, and used the other to lift her chin up. He placed his lips on her, softly.
Mmmm. Surprisingly warm for a dead person.


Leo jerked his head away, the corpse's arms fell back onto the ground.
"What the hell was I thinking?!" Leo shouted,

spitting on the ground and wiping his mouth on his sleeve over and over again. He looked back at the dead girl, half expecting her spirit to come attack him.

"I'd be ruined if anyone knew about this," He muttered, climbing onto Caspian.

"Knew about what?" The dead girl asked,

"Knew that I just kissed a dead girl!" He told her, resting his head in his hands.

Wait a minute.

"Youre alive?!" He screamed,

The girl looked around, her skin was no longer pale, her eyes were no longer dead. Instead, she looked as if she were draped with morning dew. she was blooming with life, and her eyes were sparking but confused.

"Yeah? Otherwise I wuldn't be talking, right?" She said, laughing at her own joke, "And ew, you kissed a dead girl!"

"I kissed you! And you were dead! Oh God, please don't tell anyone, I'll be ruined"

"I was not dead! I was s- wait, where's Genie?"

Leo looked at the girl, she didn't know what happened. He sat on the grass beside her,

"I'm Leo," He smiled,

"I'm Stephanie" She replied, happily revealing her own pearly whites.

Monday, 13 April 2009

Blogs & what I think of them.

The World is Conspiring Against Me.

Hello readers, if there are any.
(It would be nice if you leave a comment so I know I'm no talking to myself)

Well some of you know I was meant to go to Malaysia. Here's how it went:
Flight day: I wake up early, it's Holy Thursday or something like that, we drive to Sctex, and BOOM, stuck in traffic for 4 hours. I was pannicking like hell because I didn't want to lose my trip to KL cause of stupid traffic, I was crying in the car because the countdown was drawing to an end and it didn't look like I would win. We got to the airport at 11:15? 30 minutes before the flight. I ran in, stepped on a black dudes foot, apologized, ran to the counter and got my ticket. I went to immigration, lined up, tried to ignore the pessimistic comments from the lady behind me, "were gonna miss the flight were gonna miss the flight were gonna miss the flight were gonna miss the flight" I felt like turning around and slapping her face. So it's my turn. The lady asks me the regular questions, I answer. Then she asks "Do you have clearance?" and I'm thinking "what the fuck is that?" but i keep quite and shake my head 'No'. She asks me to take a seat. A man in uniform starts talking to her, they are deep in conversation. My lower lip starts trembling, my fingers are crossed. The man tells me I can't go. I beg him. I tell him my mother's outside and he can talk to her. I cry, the passerbys stare, the PA system announces it's final call for flight AK 33, my flight. I cry some more. He talks to my mother, explains i need to go to the department of social welfare, and that my ticket and money spent on it is now forfeited, aka, useless. We head to our province which is nearby anyway.

Today, we went to the department in my province's town, we had to wait until after easter so that it'd be open. My mother called up my sister 2 days before and told her to book the ticket so it'd be cheaper, she does, thats 8,000 spent. We go to the department, and the lady presents us with the requirements: fucking stupid things like income tax payment documents, letters of invitation, accounts stating my parent's salary. And I'm supposed to get this my today? What the fuck. We try devise some plans, we decide I should just go to Malaysia another time, postpone the date. We pack up the car and drive back to Manila, researching the address of the Air Asia office, guess what? ITS IN FUCKING CLARK. So my mom and I decide we're sick of this. And I realise, I'm not going to Malaysia this year.

It's sad. It's my escape, I'm so sick of so many things I can't really say right now otherwise i might offend a lot of people, but I'm just so fucking sick. I cannot wait til I pack up and move away. I'm sick of the strict requirements, like YELLOW CLEARBOOKS. No yellow clearbook, no portfolio grade. How the fuck is that supposed to help me? You're just lowering my grade, Bitch!

I feel so lost, and small in such a big world where anyone can choose what happens to me. I feel like i have no control over things. I can fork out my money for something, and I can lose it all just as fast.

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

Magnify Me.

I'm too tired to write anything creative. Well, I haven't exactly written anything creative in a while. But yeah. I'm really excited for malaysia, I miss it so much.

So yeah. What can I talk about? How about I talk about MYSELF! Yes, everyone loves someone who talks about themself. :P Okay. Here goes, big dose of Joanna Facts coming right up.

I really like having creative, colourful things in my room which give off a sort of indie vibe. Or anything that kind of represents me, things that other people don't usually have. If you've been in my room you'd get me. I have scarves and beaded necklaces haning off my bed posts, i have those little plastic diamonds on a part of my wall, I have this kickass inspiration board, I have graffiti within my closet, I have cards on another part of my wall, red + green handprints on another, and sometime soon, when I get Lenny Bacon's film developed, I'm gonna stick the photos onto the wall above my bed. I just love having a unique room, you know? I dont like being boring, I don't like being the same.

I love compliments. I mean, who doesn't? I love it when people tell me i look great, it seriously makes me feel awesome. The best compliments are out of the blue, and when you haven't even done anything to enhance how you look. It just feels so much better when somebody calls you really awesome when you didn't even give them any favours that day, or when they say you look great when you aren't wearing any makeup + your hair hasn't been brushed. I love it.

I love Tv shows about over-privileged and highly dysfunctional teens. The more screwed up, the better! >:D Which is why I love Gossip Girl and 90210!

I like to think i'm not a girly girl. Hey, I might actually be one, since i can be preeeety vain, but I dont like to think that other people think i'm a girly girl. I want to be normal :) someone who gets on well with guys and girls. Like, be the girl that guys invite out to go play paint balling, or rock climbing, or rock band! :) And the girl that girls will invite out to go shopping or pampering! Yeah. I like balance.

I hate having nothing to do. omfg it's the worst thing ever. When i have nothing to do I get bored then I start to think and sometimes I think about bad things, or I feel useless and it's just NOT NICE. I like being busy. Even being buried in work, it's fine. Just, give me something to do. DONT LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MYSELF, PLEASE! :P just kidding, joanna. That;s okay joanna :)

I love to act. I really do. I wanna do so many things and be so many people in life, acting gives me that. I can be a different person and experience different things and act a different way. I love it. :) OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH I'M THE NEW THESPIANS PRESIDENT! Doesn't that rock? Yay me! I have so many new ideas for next year omg i'm so excited.

I love trying new things. I swear. I feel so accomplished when I do something new. In fact I have promised myself that I will go skydiving someday, I MUST. I love extreme things, the freakier, the better. I want to ride the world's scariest roller coaster and scream and laugh at the same time while plunging to the ground at 1000000 miles an hour. I think it'd be awesome to be a roller-coaster tester. roller coasters kick ass. Yay roller coasters. Whoever invented them was a crazy genius. I'm gonna google that.

Je parler en francais mais ce n'est pas bien. Does that make sense? I hope it does otherwise my french has really slipped down the drain. Tu as un poisson. Booyah. J'aime le ouef.

Yeah yeah now go look for an online translator, kiddos.

I laugh a lot. And I love it. Laughter is the best thing any human has in common. I swear, those "hahaha"s sound so magical. Oooh :) I actually wanna be one of those people that gets excited really easily, and I am that person when i'm happy, so I guess i need to become more positive.

I am a damn good liar. But i dont like to lie, only when i really need to save my ass. Though i feel really bad about it in the end. So i try not to bend it tooooo far, tee hee. I'm actually a good person, I think. I am pretty reasonable and fair, unless I'm pissed to hell with anyone, which rarely happens since i hate fights. I am against fights. I'm a Jesus-Lover and fighting is not the answer. HAHA. Seriously, I haven't fought-fought in around 4 years? I just dont get it, be mature and be civil, if you have a problem, talk about it, if you dont liek a person, leave them alone! And sadly, since I hate fights, I have apologized for something I didn't do once or twice just to end the drama. I know I shouldn't have, but it's too late now. NEW RESOLUTION!

Speaking of resolutions! I have another one, I'm trying my best not to ask my parents to buy me anything anymore. Unless they offer, I'm going to save the money and get it myself. If i haven't got the money: I don't get it. That simple! We'll see how this goes. It actually all started with this, italicised is dad, bolded is moi:

So you're 16 now. Old enough to do your own thing. You don't have to listen to mom or me anymore!

`Course I do! You're my parents, I have to listen to what you guys tell me.

I wasnt listening to my parents when I was 16. I was out of the house, then. Working by day, school at night.

Yeah I know, but that's different. You didn't want to listen to your parents.

Anyway you'll be at University in a few years. Where is it you're going? Australia or England? You'll have to be independent then.

So yeah, basically I realised I will be off living my life in just 2 years, I'm going to be in a different country and I need to start being responsible so I can show my parents that I can take care of myself and I dont need to depend on them all the time. Plus I think it'd make my mom nag less.

Oh, another thing, I love cute, inspirational pictures that make you think of the story behind it. And I love vintage looking pictures, aka lomography + polaroids! I think they represent the world in a very carefree, indie way. The kind of spirit that makes me want to live in a small loft above a cozy bookstore. Heaven. I'd have a small balcony with sad excuses of flowers in a pot, and a crooked little cat i'd find on the street, and the inside the walls would be a deep red/purple, with white crooked cabinets and a small bed with huge duvets, and mirrors on my wall. It'd be about the size of a Studio Apartment. I've posted a pic so you get the vibe.

That's all I feel like sharing right now. I'm sure I've said enough anyway.

I'm only 38 hours away from Malaysia. Take care readers!

Peace Bitches.

Monday, 6 April 2009

For the Imaginary Ex.

Photo from Here.

Dear Imaginary Ex-Boyfriend,

It's been three days since you broke up with me. 72 hours that my heart has spent bleeding after you mercilessly ripped it out my of chest and stamped on it with those shoes I love so much. You know, the ones the wear for (Enter Favourite Hobby). I know I sound like a desperate leech clinging onto every last strand of possible regret, but I have to know. Do you regret it? I hope you do because I've never fallen so hard for someone. You opened up my eyes to a whole world I'd never seen before. It's 4am and I'm wide awake writing this letter as I look through our pictures and over analyse all your words. I do believe you loved me. Maybe you still do? Because real love doesn't just vanish within a span of three days. I hope not, at least. I know I might've been a bit overwhelming.. I just get so jealous sometimes. But that just shows how much I care! It's taking all my strength to just forget how you smell. Actually, I still remember.

Since I'm being so honest here.. I'll tell you. I can't sleep without knowing if I'll hear your smooth vocie tomorrow, or smell the soap you use on your skin, or hear your laugh. That laugh.. it lifts me onto a bubble and pops in my bloodstream. It makes happiness surge right through me, you know? I've never been through anything this difficult, those (enter subject) lessons you tried teaching me seem like nothing compared to this. My eyes feel permanently swollen.

I don't know how you could just end things out of the blue. No warning, nothing. You dont call to check if I'm okay, either. You don't care. I wonder if you ever did. I thought you were different, I thought those looks you gave me were real. I suppose this proves you're just another guy, and you'd never know how I feel unless I ripped your heart out by the seams . I'm glad I can tell you this. I need to get over it, and now that it's out, I think I'll be able to go through another day a little better. I'll be able to breathe again.

So go ahead and live your life, don't worry about me. It's not like I think about you constantly, right? Well maybe I do but that shouldn't affect you anymore. I was always the giver, and you were always the taker, now that I think about it. You've got me on my knees saying "All Hail the Heartbreaker."

Have a nice life :)


Oh how I wish I had an ex to write this letter to! :P But then again I wouldn't want to go through heartbreak of that magnitude. Inspired by the song 'All Hail the Heartbreaker', I wrote it in the car on the way back from my mom's province. I'm off to Malaysia this Thursday [whoopee!] so I wont be blogging for a while :)

Take care lovely readers!

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

Turn the music Up `til the Windows start to Shatter.