Sunday, 27 July 2008

Scratched out; Erased.

You don't see me the same no more
It's hard to see the light through closing doors
Don't treat me like like I'm invisible
You talk with me, it's not the usual

Always taking the easy route
never wanting to work it out

Am I erased? Just a segment of your imagination?
I'm feeling replaced, like a faded picture where you can't see my face,
Scratched out, erased

In memory of what we used to call love,
I reminisce what used to be us, remember when,
when I was the most important to you.
But now I'm a ghost, the trust has died,
there's no way we can bring it back
We live a lie, no bars, no strings attached
Is this alright?
A part of me just wants you back

Can anybody see me, see me now?

I thought that maybe after all we went through, we'd still be close, turns out my own hope was just the subject of stupidity. I know it was me who did it, but I feel like I'm the one that's missing you, and as selfish as this may seem, is it supposed to be like that? If i really open up here, I'm scared that you'll see this, and you'll know how I'm feeling. Should i not be the one who is happy that I'm "free"? something is holding me back.
Honestly, it's like i want you to hurt, so i can be happy. Am i that selfish? That much of a sadist? No, i just want to feel that i meant something to you. And when you said that you stopped loving me, two days after we broke up, you'll never know how painful that was, for someone who wasn't supposed to care, i cared a lot. Why, though?
They tell me that I love you, but how can they be the ones to tell me my hearts whispers?
It's amazing how well the song applies to me, it's as if it can read right into my eyes, into my soul.
I feel erased, like I'm not anything to you. Like all that time meant nothing to you. The way you talk to me isn't as if you want to, but as if you feel as if you should. It's better now. But it was cold, distant. I guessed that maybe you were mad at me, or wanted a reason to be mad at me for what i did to you. A part of me wants you back, but then again, "I'm like a dog chasing a car,", i wouldn't know what to do with it once i catch it. You never took the easy route, you always thought that taking in all the blame and tension would just make things easier for us, when in reality it just made things worse. It made me feel like i blamed you for everything, made you feel that it was always your fault. In truth, you were one of the great ones. And i was really lucky. I guess you could ask me why i did it, if i was so lucky to have you? It's just the timing. Too many things went and didn't come back. Just one thing to ask of you, don't erase me, because enough tears fall just thinking that you have.

The Dark Knight: A Tribute

You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

Doesn't it make sense to see life this way? That if we don't perish with a "Bang", we spend each day slowly becoming part of the background, we are forgotten; distant memories of a one moment glory.

Heath Ledger displayed one of his best roles ever; his performance of The Joker in The Dark Knight could possibly be legendary, according to critics. Who would have guessed that it was him, beneath the freakishly dramatic makeup, scars and untamed hair?

The line mentioned above was the subject of repetition throughout the movie. It got me thinking, did the psychopathic role that Heath portrayed possibly bring him over the edge? Could it be that he saw life differently through The Joker's eyes, that he understood the intelligence of it all? Is it possible that this very line is what caused him to choose his own death?

Heath must have known The Joker was one of, if not the, best acts he has ever displayed. It's pretty far-fetched, but there might have been a connection between that very line, and his death. Die in your moment of glory, or watch yourself decay into the shadows?
Then again, we'll never know.

Friday, 11 July 2008

Bittersweet Goodbye #6: Beneath the Depths

Blank stares at the dimming light. My lungs fight for air,

but find nothing.

My hair is flowing around my face like a charmed snake hypnotized by his masters melody, dancing like a puppet on a string. My brain feels like it's about to explode, blood leaks of my chest, drifting away with the floating corpses above me, returning to the cause of their death; the sea.

The image of the glistening, murderous waves remind me of a thief's eyes at night; here to steal you away from the ones that love you most. The drainage pipes impaling my gut moves a few inches as a car collides into it, the pain is excruciating, but I am numb. All I see are my children's faces, and the thought of them no longer having a mother hurts more than any foreign object crushing my organs.

I choke as my lungs fill up with water, the water burns my nostrils as they fill up. My brain is clawing away in my head, fighting for life. The sunlight streams into into the water, I cannot feel my limbs. I stopped struggling what feels like hours ago, really they were just minutes. I don't notice the other people drowning around me, we are all part of one dying community. An underwater society of sufferers. Nobody fights, we know that in a few days, we'll all just be a statistic on some news report. In a few days, we'll all just be one of thousands of deaths.

In the secrecy of my own heart, I hope that I am the first to die. I believe the others are hoping this for themselves, as well. It may be better to say that nobody wants to be cursed with having to watch those around them dying off, one by one.

When in truth, it's more like nobody wants to be cursed with having to suffer the longest.

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

We live, we die, and the wheels on the bus go round and round.

The Ancient Egyptians. One of the first and most civilized societies in history. Faithful, superstitious and somewhat confusing, the Egyptians had some of the most interesting beliefs in the spiritual world.

The Egyptians believed that the soul could not carry onto the afterlife if they had not preserved the body and organs of the deceased, not doing so would mean the deceased would loose their identity. They would remove the organs from the corpse and place them in jars symbolising the Four Sons of Horus. Then they would embalm the body with spices and wrap it up in bandages, embedding talismans and amulets within the wrappings, this is known as mummification.

So, what happens to the soul? Well, the soul has to goes to Duat, the world of the dead, and passes through a type of "Judgement Day". They would undergo multiple riddles, tests and questions. The god of mummification, Anubis, checks the purity of their heart, whether or not it is weighed down by the soul's regret and guilt from his or her life on earth. They do this by measuring it's weight and comparing it to a feather representing the goddess of Truth. A heart weighing less than the feather is considered pure and one weighing more than the feather would be eaten up by the demon Ammit, part hippo, part crocodile and part lion. This is also why most people put in a surrogate heart with the corpse, disposing of the real heart belonging to the deceased.

Those who passed the judgement were able to continue a long and dangerous journey, passing through somewhat 15-21 gates to get to Osiris in Aaru, also known as Paradise.

However confusing that may be, at one gate, the Egyptians are asked two questions, both determining their fate.

“Have you found joy in your life?”

Ask yourself if you have. Have you truly found that level of happiness? Where it's no longer simply being happy, it's being joyful. Joy, like an eruption of bubbles filling your bloodstream, tickling your veins and making its way to your heart, filling it with warm goo.

This seems like a basic question, but really, how many of us have truly found joy? I do believe there are certain moments wherein one is joyful, we experience a burst of euphoria. However, that moment can't be considered as "life". To truly find joy in life, we need what we are passionate about, and this passion and joy needs to be there until the day we die. Why wait until you are older to do the things you want to do? We promise ourselves that we'll live in the moment, but it seems inevitable that we plan and store experiences for the future.

But, why?

The second one, although similar, proves to be more challenging.

“Have you brought joy to others in your life?”

Think about it. Would you get into Egyptian heaven?

Sunday, 6 July 2008

"what a waste of time," the thought crossed my mind.

Can't explain this thing, or what I mean, I'm trying to let go.
CL knows how well i relate to these two lines.
Random stories which relate to how I feel.

What's your next move, little flame? The earth has pushed you on so far, and you have no more reason to hold on. You were once drawn to the earth, its caring fingertips tickling your whims. You were drawn to the earth, and fought so hard for it. And when you finally got a hold of the earth, you noticed the water beneath the surface. Each droplet taking you out, bit by bit. Those once sweet fingertips, now becoming mushy grips, holding onto you, giving you little room to shine your light. The earth turns to damp soil, dragging you down, so you distance yourself. You move back, and a part of you shines brighter than the rest.
Take a look back, your embers trail along the past, I can see the sadness in your eyes and the guilt you know you will experience if you stray too far from return. I know it hurts, but it takes sacrifice. You just need a reason to hold on.
I throw my words all around, but I cant, I cant give you a reason
Yellowcard sure as hell knows how it feels.
I know you have a difficult time trusting me. And that some little voice creeps up to the back of your mind, inhabits your thoughts and makes you doubt me. I know you think that I might do something against you, but have I? I trust you fully, yet you've hurt me so many more times than i have hurt you. This dark revelation pulls me towards towards our end, in this brutal tug of war. As Hamlet, I quote "To be, or not to be?", together, that is.
Love don't come so easily, this doesn't have to end in tragedy
This is bullshit! I'm not your property, okay? I dont need your permission on who i can hang out with or not, and if you happen to be uncomfortable with me hanging out with a guy, then jog on. I dont care if you say i'm "allowed", im not an object. I'm a person who happens to be very strong willed and determined, and if i dont like the way you treat me, then i'll just cut myself away from you. No, i wont get revenge, i just simply leave you alone. I find it weird that you're such a hypocrite. You and your female friends are "friendly" to the point it's questionable, and I just happen to have my arm on somebody's shoulder, and you get uncomfortable with it. Can somebody scream "Biased!" from the stands?

I remember those words which made me euphoric, only to crumble down the next day, when your insesitivity cut me open like a blunt knife.
I still forgave and accepted you.
I remember those words which made me cry when you said you had been thinking about us breaking up, all related to me being the problem.
It was valentines, the next day. Its a little disturbing to see another girl leaning on your shoulder.
I still forgave and went all out for you. It's a good thing I'm not the kind of person who expects to recieve when she has given.
I remember how you constricted me with your possessiveness. Flooding my freedom with your worry, pushing me further away.
That, i couldn't forget.
I remember how i read those sick messages in your inbox. You betrayed my trust, you sickened me to the bone.
I still forgave and trusted you.
I don't regret doing those things, I just dont know if I'm deserving of these current circumstances in my life. I don't know if you're worth holding onto.

Another head aches. Another heart breaks

Saturday, 5 July 2008

Let's go to a rave and behave like a trip

We laugh as loud as we like in public, whether it be from hideous pink and gold jewellery or from something that happened months ago, we chase each other down the streets, screaming after each other. We welcome stares with open arms, embarrassment is our second home. We love each other to bits, and we can never stay mad at each other for longer than a day. Together we are unbreakable, we have the funniest, most retarded moments, mini cake fights and singing songs and posting them on youtube. We do things we wouldn't be caught dead doing alone, cause when it's done together.. it's pretty damn fun. We're crazy, and we know it. We love to laugh, if it wasn't so gross, we'd be peeing all over the place from excessive laughing. But that is gross, so we do the next best thing, cry from excessive laughing.

We dance on tables, we dance like retards. We do weird things like chase vans and bite each other. We talk about the weirdest things and share so many memories, 10-years worth. We've been there for each other through heartache, through physical pain, through fights and through death. And we always will be. No matter how far the shores between us reach. No matter how far away time chooses to split us. No matter how many different places we're in. We'll always be best friends.

I wanna say thanks, for still being my friends regardless of the number of times i've nearly killed you guys.

Friday, 4 July 2008

The Lotus Dancer

I wrote this when I was 13, take that into account.

The Lotus Dancer-- A Poem.

In the cloudy moonlight's air,
a purple flower sways,
a breeze sweeps through the valley,
and her dress appears ablaze.

She dances every evening,
and at dawn, again she hides,
she brings a power with her aura,
and inspires life, with just her eyes.

She prances on the lotus',
She ponders about the moon,
she lives a life of mysticism,
one that ends too soon.

The creatures of the night-time,
the monsters of the dark,
they rip her body into shreds,
they do it just for lark.

And one by one,
her limbs they tear,
and discard of, beneath the earth,
and one by one the dancers fade,
a fate forseen from birth.

Thursday, 3 July 2008

Life's a Bitch.

Normally Joanna would say life's a Beach. But not today, folks. Today I am saying lots of things i will regret tomorrow.

Life is a BITCH.

Where the fuck do I start? Okay, the motherbitch.
It's like she always thinks she's right, no matter what. And I knew that we should've done my decision, she declined it, and when I got irritated she started ranting about how I always want things to go my way, and if I don't get it my way I get pissy. WELL, FUCK YOU AND STOP YELLING AT ME. What the fuck do you expect, PEOPLE GET PISSY WHEN OTHER PEOPLE START RANTING ON AND ON ABOUT THEM, THEN START YELLING AND WHEN YOU TELL THEM TO CHILL, THEY SAY THEY ARENT YELLING. ARGH.
Fuck this. Okay and so we did it HER way, and guess what, it turned out TERRIBLE. So what the fuck do I do? GET EVEN PISSIER. I KNEW I WAS RIGHT, SHE SHOULD'VE JUST LISTENED TO ME TO SAVE TIME AND MONEY. I swear, and she finds it FUNNY that i'm so upset she's ruined MY FUCKING THINGS. Of course it's funny to her, ITS NOT HER THATS SUFFERING, ITS ME. And she just doesnt care cause she's a SELF CENTERED BITCH. I just hate it when people think they have the best and ONLY solution to a problem, and insist on going their way, when you can FORESEE the trauma. ARGH.
Next, RUMOURS. Who the fuck has the right to spread EXAGGERATED secrets that belong to another person? nobody! Especially something as fucking messed up as THAT. And if the secret isn't yours, KEEP your fucking mouth CLOSED.
WHY DO THINGS HAVE TO BE SO DIFFICULT AND WHY CAN'T I JUST MAKE MY MIND UP? WHY CANT YOU JUST OPEN UP TO ME AND MAKE THINGS EASIER! Maybe you don't realise, but not telling me your true feelings, cause you dont want to argue or somethng, just makes things worse. It just leaves me confused, and it makes me feel like a really really bad person. Worth hating, cause it's like im pushing you to change, or its like im overracting, cause there's no reaction from you. It's supposed to be about Giving&Taking. Right now it just feels like its going one-way. And I'm sorry I've taken away the commitment. But if we're gonna go on a break, then i wanna go the whole way. I dont want to suddenly remember that i still have a boyfriend so i shouldn't be doing something, no. I want to be allowed to hang out with my guy friends. 8-
All for now, til next time.

Tuesday, 1 July 2008

Dead Fish go with the Flow-- But I'm Not Dead Yet.

Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. My own interpretation would say that this means what we don`t know, can`t hurt us. `Course, this isn't completely true. But it`s got the basic idea.

I've got a lot on my mind, as in conflicts between age, feelings and ethics. Okay well not that serious, but serious enough to make me feel bad. I guess I shouldn't really post this up, `cause it's harmful to certain people. But this is my blog. I didn't ask you to read this specific post. [This one specifically `cause I did actually tell people to read the others]

Anyway. Here's this dealio, I've been getting all these opinions which sorta, fuel the fire. Example: Relationships and singledom come in a package. There's the good half, and the bad half. You've gotta decide which package you like better.

And well, I'm not sure which package I want anymore. That's the problem with me. I'm so indecisive, but i dont want to hurt anybody, including myself. But more importantly, him. It's hard, so i've decided to unfamiliarise myself with things, and get a sort of.. trial, of the singledom package. If it does or doesnt float my boat, who knows?

I just dont feel that 15 is a good age to be in a serious relationship. I mean, you care about a person so much, which is what makes it hard. And my sisters told me, both of them, never to let a relationship get serious when you're young. But when you care about a person so much, it's such a difficult decision.

Nothing lasts forever, that's easy to determine. The difficult thing to determine is when it has to die.

The Jabberwocky.

'Twas brillig,
and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"
He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought --

So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought
And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! and through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.