Friday, 2 November 2012

Someone else's idea of perfect.

I knew a long time ago that I wanted to be a writer. Well, I thought I did. I know how easy it is to change what you want to be in the future- one minute you want to be a doctor, but then you realize it's too difficult so you decide you want to work in business instead, but business has no soul so you decide to be a teacher, but it doesn't pay well so ... the list goes on. I can recall around six professions I felt so certain of when I growing up- a doctor, a forensic investigator, an archaeologist (I blame Lara Croft and the Discovery Channel), a restaurant owner, a writer, and now, I want to work in Marketing, Advertising, or Media production. The ideas still aren't certain, but they're much more realistic and aligned to my goals now, at least?

As uncertain as I am with my future profession, I know by now that it will never be stuck in stone. As long as I enjoy what I'm doing, I'll be fine. However, there's this small voice at the back of my head and  I can't help but feel guilty as I ignore it. "What about writing?" it asks.

Writing, for a long time, felt like my first love. I would dedicate so much time to this blog, I would use notebooks, even. But as I grew older and got busier with college and life, all the time I usually spent sharpening my sword (or pen, in this case- haha lame) was was dissolved. Now, I'm not even sure if I'm good at it. I can't commit to an idea long enough to write an actual story, nor can I just leave my blog blank.

I read a lot of blogs, usually among the lifestyle genre, and they're always so good. I think to myself, "Wow, she's witty!" or "I really like how she writes," and then my little dusty blog pops into my head and I just feel crappy, knowing that I haven't been writing in it as often as I want to. I want to be able to write blogs like them. I want to be able to talk about a life lesson in such a profound, insightful way, so I can blow all my readers minds and make them come back for more. I'm going to start practicing, that's for sure, but right now, I just can't do that. I can't write about the lesson life just taught me, but I do think I'm skilled at something else- I can write about feelings. I can write about the little moments in the heart, and I can dedicate three hundred words to those moments. Hey, three-hundred is a short blog post, but those are a lot of words for one little confusing feeling.


Anonymous said...

I know I said I'd keep quiet forever, and I have been ever since that post. But reading this just made me want to say that no matter what happens, I'll always be here giving you my 1 page view a day though I've noticed that you only update at least once a month. I've been doing so ever since I first happened upon your blog on May a year ago. I've seen you get better. And I've also seen when you were worse, because of all the backtracking I did. :))

From all the writings you did it's the ones about love, longing, and the loneliness of it all that are the ones that stick to my mind the most. Most probably because I felt like you were writing down my life and thoughts word per word. Hahaha! Anyway I'm sure I will continue to love your future posts, though I still won't comment to say it. :P

And though this is just the opinion of a stranger and I know it probably wouldn't matter much since I'm on the outside looking in. But I think you should take as much time off on this as you want. I'd hate to see you start hating writing because of how taxing it is, after all you're the reason I started writing. Take your time because when you get back, this blog will still be here, writing will still be in your heart, and I'll still be here to read.

So, although I can't say with certainty that I am your biggest fan, I'm still sure that I am one of your biggest.

I apologize for the long comment. I tend to ramble when I feel so strongly about certain things. Xp

miriam said...

I think its true the feelings of uncertainty and that sometimes reality hits you in the face and you realized you can't really do that what you wanted to do...
We all have that something that we love to do and yet feel so unsecured. It might not be what you decide to pursue but it always finds a way back into your life. This may not be the moment, but it doesn't mean that it won't happen

Joanna said...

To Anonymous & Miriam: Wow, your comments .. I honestly don't know what to say. I didn't think that there was anyone out there that actually read my blog routinely. It never felt worthy. Thank you for telling me how this blog has played a little role for you, and don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. If anything, this blogpost was to assure my readers that I'll be writing more but I guess that I said it in a rather conflicted way. I love writing, I always will. Thank you Miriam, for always commented your thoughts on every blogpost. It always makes me happy to see your name and opinions there :) And thank you, anonymous, for your kind words about my improvement. I cringe at the thought of you reading my posts from two years ago ... those were awful, lol.
I can't say I'm surprised that your favourite entries are the ones about love, loss, longing and loneliness. Those are my favourite, too. I suppose because those are the closest to me. When a blog post is good, that's when you know that I'm writing from the heart- I've recently experienced something and this is how I let it out.

Anyway, I'm rambling now. Bottom line is, thank you guys for being supporters of my little corner on the internet! I'm not going anywhere :)

wonderworld said...

Your blog is not dusty. It inspires me :) I love reading each blog of yours - makes me wish I could write as well as you