chasingvans asked: I miss you more than you could know.
I miss our heart to heart conversations and our stupid, crazy ideas. I miss the really long texts you send. I miss laughing at your effortless humour and having someone intelligent and fair to talk to, someone mature beyond her years and someone as exquisite as you.
I miss you so much :(

Do you remember what year eight was like? It’s always the most significant when I think of us, because it was the time where we were closest. We were seperated from the rest of our friends, and we weren’t yet close to Mina, and it was always just you and I, laughing about Kieran and Bryan, telling each other a new story or a new dream or a new way to turn things into something special. Our jokes were always the funniest, and our ideals always clashed, but that was okay, because at the end of the day there was always something we remembered that would make us forget about our bickering, be it Neige Island or the Nikky and Jojo song or the kissing dolphins (don’t kill me for publishing that on the internet).

You taught me to grow up and to forget and to be strong, and above all you taught me that you were Joanna Fucking Kennedy, and you were always going to be there whether I liked it or not. I miss your endless stories, your ability to make anything fun and wonderful just by being there, the way you could make me forget about all the things life tied to my little shoulders. I miss the way you’d threaten anyone who dared to make me miserable (cough cough Bryan cough), the way you were positive things were always going to be alright in the end, and the way you’d tell me I was beautiful even if I never let myself believe it.

I hate that you’re so far away. It’s been three years since I’ve been able to see you smile. I miss you terribly.

And thanks for making me cry, bitch.

Coming out of my cage, and I've been doing just fine.

I hate how you think that you're going to hurt me when it's me who has hurt so many, me who is traumatized by my last relationship, me who is held back by something I can't pinpoint. I don't know what's wrong. I know I like you, but I'm scared for you. I'm scared that this may be similar to what I did to one other. What if I just feel like I like you, then suddenly one day later, it all goes away, and I believe nothing was there to begin with in the first place? I feel warm when I think about you, but I rarely get the giddy butterflies. I don't know if that's because I've grown out of the giddy fan-girl stage, or if my body is trying to tell me what my head can't. I am so... I don't know. I am not confused. I am not wandering in the dark looking for answers. I am happy when you're around and everything feels so easy and real. I guess I just wish I could see what is going to happen in the future. But I can't, and that's life. Oh, I just thought of something. Maybe I'm afraid of feeling withered again. Maybe I know you're going to hurt me. Maybe I know, maybe I don't. Maybe I'm just being weird. Maybe I am scared after all.

Cold, cold water, falling down.

I want to stand under gloomy clouds and let the rain wash away my old skin. I want to feel each piercing drop of cold, cold water hit my face and send ripples through me. I want to be drenched and freezing. And I want to scream, scream at the top of my lungs and not regret a second of it. I can feel the intensity coming back, the connection. And it makes me so happy.

A Letter to Myself.

Most of us build up the person in our heads, fill in the blank spaces with our own expectations, only to be confronted with reality and left wondering why things were so different in our heads. I've been a culprit, everyone has, but I'm trying my best to stop. I'm avoiding the "What If's?" and throwing out the imaginary scenarios to cherish and experience what I have in front of me.

Sometimes when I'm lying down, waiting for sleep, I start thinking about how things are with him, and that warm happy feeling washes over me, but it leaves as soon as I recognize it. It's like I hit a brick wall that stops me from feeling too much. I don't know why it's there. It's like something is holding me back from experiencing the full potential of us.

Maybe it is the sour taste that was left after the last relationship. It left me feeling withered, like it just wasn't worth it for a while. And so I took a break, and I loved it. I loved the strength I had in being single, but here were times, many times, I felt lonely and unwanted. So now I'm hesitant to go down that road again. I like things easy and light, but he can be quite intense.

Sorry, I'm rambling. My point is that my resentment of serious relationships is possibly stopping me from opening up completely. Oh well, I may as well en joy all of it while it's still happy and simple :) I'm only 16 and I think that once again, I'm over thinking.

Deep breath and let it go.
Deep breath and live it now.

Satellites.

He lay on the sand and grit motionless, the tiny shards cutting into his back and drawing forth needle-points of blood. The cold water submerged his whole body and lapped around his ears. His eyes glazed over, staring into non-existence. Tears ran their tracks, finding home in the gentle ocean waves. The cold coursed through his bones and slowed his heartbeat. There was nothing wrong with him, he simply felt at peace in the strange realm of delirium: the short, sweet visits that left him feeling more alive than ever. When nobody’s warm breath and caressing hands could fill the empty spaces and all he needed was a reminder of the simple beauty which lay beyond. He exhales a shiver, drifts away to the blinding glimmer of the stars and waits until the waking world pulls him back to reality.