Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Coming out of my cage, and I've been doing just fine.

I hate how you think that you're going to hurt me when it's me who has hurt so many, me who is traumatized by my last relationship, me who is held back by something I can't pinpoint. I don't know what's wrong. I know I like you, but I'm scared for you. I'm scared that this may be similar to what I did to one other. What if I just feel like I like you, then suddenly one day later, it all goes away, and I believe nothing was there to begin with in the first place? I feel warm when I think about you, but I rarely get the giddy butterflies. I don't know if that's because I've grown out of the giddy fan-girl stage, or if my body is trying to tell me what my head can't. I am so... I don't know. I am not confused. I am not wandering in the dark looking for answers. I am happy when you're around and everything feels so easy and real. I guess I just wish I could see what is going to happen in the future. But I can't, and that's life. Oh, I just thought of something. Maybe I'm afraid of feeling withered again. Maybe I know you're going to hurt me. Maybe I know, maybe I don't. Maybe I'm just being weird. Maybe I am scared after all.

Saturday, 23 January 2010

Cold, cold water, falling down.

I want to stand under gloomy clouds and let the rain wash away my old skin. I want to feel each piercing drop of cold, cold water hit my face and send ripples through me. I want to be drenched and freezing. And I want to scream, scream at the top of my lungs and not regret a second of it. I can feel the intensity coming back, the connection. And it makes me so happy.

Friday, 22 January 2010

A Letter to Myself.

Most of us build up the person in our heads, fill in the blank spaces with our own expectations, only to be confronted with reality and left wondering why things were so different in our heads. I've been a culprit, everyone has, but I'm trying my best to stop. I'm avoiding the "What If's?" and throwing out the imaginary scenarios to cherish and experience what I have in front of me.

Sometimes when I'm lying down, waiting for sleep, I start thinking about how things are with him, and that warm happy feeling washes over me, but it leaves as soon as I recognize it. It's like I hit a brick wall that stops me from feeling too much. I don't know why it's there. It's like something is holding me back from experiencing the full potential of us.

Maybe it is the sour taste that was left after the last relationship. It left me feeling withered, like it just wasn't worth it for a while. And so I took a break, and I loved it. I loved the strength I had in being single, but here were times, many times, I felt lonely and unwanted. So now I'm hesitant to go down that road again. I like things easy and light, but he can be quite intense.

Sorry, I'm rambling. My point is that my resentment of serious relationships is possibly stopping me from opening up completely. Oh well, I may as well en joy all of it while it's still happy and simple :) I'm only 16 and I think that once again, I'm over thinking.

Deep breath and let it go.
Deep breath and live it now.

Sunday, 17 January 2010


He lay on the sand and grit motionless, the tiny shards cutting into his back and drawing forth needle-points of blood. The cold water submerged his whole body and lapped around his ears. His eyes glazed over, staring into non-existence. Tears ran their tracks, finding home in the gentle ocean waves. The cold coursed through his bones and slowed his heartbeat. There was nothing wrong with him, he simply felt at peace in the strange realm of delirium: the short, sweet visits that left him feeling more alive than ever. When nobody’s warm breath and caressing hands could fill the empty spaces and all he needed was a reminder of the simple beauty which lay beyond. He exhales a shiver, drifts away to the blinding glimmer of the stars and waits until the waking world pulls him back to reality.


He took one last look at the scene before him and shut his eyes to say goodbye. It was like closing the last page of a book, this volume was over and he would no longer let it haunt him. He turned on his heel and walked away, ignoring the desperate voices in the back of his head calling him to abandon his attempt to move on, urging him to turn around and break down into tears. He kept walking through the knee-high grass, past the weary trees and the wild flowers; he kept walking until he reached the rusty car he rented from the small store. The door swung open with a low groan, and he slid onto the old leather in silence. Shutting the door after him, he did not make another move. He simply sat and waited for the daze to clear, for the nerves to calm. The long stretch of road beckoned him, he knew there were other places to visit, other ghosts to bid farewell, but his shaking hands would not cooperate.

These streets will make you feel brand new.

The darkness forces me to use my sense of touch to see. Soft skin pulses as my hands run over you, your moist breath tickles my ear and silent whimpers escape my lips as they move closer to the indents of your neck. The heat in the pit of my chest knows no way out but this one. This time, the intoxication is a reason to act like a savage beast and to tear you apart with my teeth. My heart pounds against my flesh, my head spins and my body takes control. My lips find comfort against yours but my hands are still searching for a place to call home. Your nails dig into my back and groans escape like rusty car doors swinging open. My body fits against yours like the last piece of a puzzle, creating the perfect image of reckless youth.

Saturday, 9 January 2010

It's such a rush.

A while back I used to be the type of person who would lay upon the guillotine to save my friendship. I'd stow my pride away and take fault even though I did nothing wrong. But I've changed. Now, I stand up for myself. I know that you can't trust anybody, and people, especially girls, are very sensitive. I was not surprised when two of my close friends bit me behind my back and complained about me to my other close friends. I was expecting it, actually, because when you spend every minute holding onto a person, you notice when they push you away.
And yeah, I'm sorry for dealing with it in such a harsh way, but that doesn't make it okay for you to say shit about me.
I just wish that it was easier to be open to people about flaws. Too many people take it way too seriously when you try to give them a little insight as to what's going wrong. However, real friends should be open when it comes to that, they should try to fix it. I think this has made me re-evaluate my friendship with certain people. If they're real or just a burden in my life.
I'm not saying I want to cut these people out of my life, I've had many good memories with them and they are important to me. I guess I just want to lessen the magnitude of their importance, of the time we spend together, of the degree of our friendship.