Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Black Holes & Revelations


"You seem better,"
"Better about what?"

"You know, better.."

"....?"

"Coping."

"Oh. Have I not been okay? I thought I was coping well,"
"You've been quiet."


I really did think that I was coping well with my dads recent death, but I guess I've just been keeping it all in. I learned to accept what was going to happen, I braced myself. I was relieved when he passed because I don't want him to suffer anymore, but what hurt the most was thinking about all the things that wouldn't be able to happen.
I've kept to myself, lying in bed listening to music, or spending my time online, looking through photos on tumblr but not posting anything, constantly opening a "New Post" window on blogger but never quite finding the words to express myself.
I'm trying to let go of the pain and carry on. I don't really know what to do, if I'm moving on too quickly, or not. I'm just really tired of being stuck in the house with nothing to do but think and reminisce. I want people to know but I don't want to be the one to tell them. I guess that's why I'm writing this here, and not on tumblr. Because people who actually care about me and read my nonsense check my blogger.
I wrote a letter to my dad, when we got home from the crematorium. It made me cry a lot. I'll post it on here when I get the chance to.
What I'm really worried about is what life will be like after. Steph and Jayne are here now, and the wounds are still fresh, but what about when they leave? When the wounds scab over but are still sore and visible. It'll just be mom and I living in the house. The two of us. And then I'll go to college, and mom will be left alone. I dont want to think about how lonely she'll be.

4 comments:

Nicci said...

OH MY GOD JO. I'm so sorry :( >:D<

Michelle said...

I cannot begin to imagine what you must be feeling. I hope you are okay. Keep writing. It's hard to find words to express yourself sometimes...but I suppose, it does help some people.

I know what you mean about Tumblr. It's a place for people to show off, and it carries no emotion or long meaningful posts.

I hope you are okay. I'm sure your letter to your Father is very touching. My thoughts are with you.

Love from Shell xxxx

Chiuie said...

JO! :( I'm so sorry! Stay strong!

Lienne said...

Love of my life, all it takes is time