Feb 27th

Hello readers, well yesterday was Feb 27th and you might know I went to audition for Pinoy Big Brother Teen Edition! Sounds exciting, right? Well here's a recap of how the day went

6am, the bus picks me up and my bus mother is pretty confused with what I'm wearing, since it's not school uniform. On the bus I resume my regular routine, sit down then listen to the iPod while half-asleep. I get a call from Grace, she tells me she is no longer going for the audition. You can imagine what I was like, the letters W-T-F were running through my mind, and I was panicking `cause I couldnt go for the audition alone, and I couldn't go to school in mufti. So I smsed Molly and told her she can't ditch me, and I was begging her to go, luckily she agreed, stating that I owe her one ;)

When we got there, ours jaws literally dropped open. The line stretched as far as our eyes could see, and that wasn't even the end of it. We lined up behind some people but we started worrying cause they all looked so old. We asked a lady if the line was for the teen edition, and she told us "No". We were so annoyed so we asked where the line for teens was, and the marshall directed that it was on the other side of the block. BJSBF97843QG.

A few hours passed and we met a few new faces, ones we'll never see again, we talked about ourselves and made polite conversation, but as the line went on, we started worrying that we were once again in the wrong place. We asked a marshall and he said we were, but another marshall said we werent. The new people we met were determined to stay in the line even if it was the wrong one, they couldn't make us go all the way to the back, no way.

After 6 hours of lining up in the scorching sun, we were so close to that white tent. Everyone was so excited to get under it because it was some sort of landmark of achievement. The White Tent. Bodies started pressing against one another and we all shared the same heat, the air was wet with sweat and the drizzle which just passed by. We were all quiet, nursing our dizziness and headaches, bearing the blazing sun, determined not to lose the little energy we had left.

Then my head started spinning. I couldn't lean over because there wasn't enough space, and my stomach was clenching, begging for food. I drained my last bottle of water, and the voices of pissed off and tired girls were filling my ears. "Molly. We have to go." Were the only words I said. She looked at me, and told me not to faint on the road. I clung to her and pushed my way out of the line, girls were watching us give up the spots we were holding onto for so long. It just wasn't worth it.

I was pissed off that I gave up, I really was. But I wasn't willing to sacrifice my health when I probably wasn't even going to get a number for an audition. I later found out that they told all those people waiting in line to go home, because they couldnt accomodate the ten thousand hopefuls. Luckily I've been given a chance to audition once more, on another date. I'm going prepared next time. :] Wish me luck.

Slip.

I can feel him inside me.

Throwing himself at all corners of my undiscovered soul. Rattling and trying to break my spirit, which he holds in his clenched fists, determined to tear me apart. I try to hold on but I can feel my grip loosening, my soul slipping through my fingers into his constant temptation, telling me to let go. I know I will fall into the black ocean of The Other Side if I give into his sweet, poisonous words, and I'll drown in misery and evil. I call out for something to come and save me, but the bond is not strong enough and I slip out of reach.

Inside, my soul hysterically lunges about, screaming a million echoes of torture. It aches with his burning desire to ruin me and win his eternal battle with light.

Cryptic.

I long for clarity. When will the time come, where my mind will be cleansed of all foggy doubts and mists of wonder? I want to wipe this slate clean, get rid of every speck of uncertainty and just bask in the pure moment of understanding.

Like when you experience a spark of understanding, and the world makes complete sense. It's like completing a jigsaw puzzle, and finally seeing the whole picture instead of the little shaped pieces which you can't understand.

How am I suppose to see the whole picture when new details are constantly thrown onto me?

Hurry up & Wait.

Although I take things to heart, I'm a tough girl. I've never been one to lean on a guys shoulder to get me through the day. I get competitive and secretly I want to crush people who make me look bad. I can game for 8 hours a day, everyday. And I love sports. Except the sweating part, I hate sweat.

That's why it's expected that I hate it when girls rely on guys for happiness. I just dont understand how they can degrade themselves like that, why they make it seem as if it's impossible for them to be happy without guys. Maybe it's an insecurity thing, they constantly need to be loved? It's kind of sad. And it gives off the whole maiden-locked-in-a-tower thing where they NEED a prince to save them. Why couldn't those maidens save themselves? Why did it have to be some prince, and why did they have to fall in love? Why couldn't they just become close friends, or gym buddies or something?

But I have to admit, having a crush or a guy really can make you over the moon. It's fun, just liking someone and watching out for signs and gushing over silly comments. Life gives us so many reasons to be sad, and these light little flings, they make you feel somewhat special, which hardly happens anywhere else.

Burn, baby, Burn.

HATRED.

IHATETHEFACTTHATIWASFORCEDTOMOVE

TOTHISCOUNTRYBECAUSEUPONMOVINGNOTHING

GOODHASHAPPENEDALLIFEELSMISERYANDFRUSTRATION

EVERYONEISDEPRESSEDBECAUSEWECANTLETGOOFTHELIVES

WEUSEDTOLIVEIWANTTHATLIFEBACK

I WANT MY HAPPINESS BACK.

I dont know how to start writing. In fact, all of my writing has been pretty crappy lately. I dont feel any moving words rush through me, not how they used to. I feel like I try too hard to come up with something to say. Which depresses me.

I'm sad yet again.

I can't really explain what I feel. But th e person who's supposed to love me the most for what I am is the one that makes me feel so low. Constant criticism just shoots me down, until all I can do is cry. I want to get out of this place so maybe they'll love me as much as they love my sisters overseas, so that I'll stop having to take the blame for things that aren't even my fault. I feel like a punching bag, that nobody cares. I have to soak in all the mistakes and all the frustration, because nobody else will and somebody has to do it. It's just annoying, how I never used to be treated like this, ever. And now it's part of my daily routine. The way I look, the way I act, the things I do or don't do, everything seems to be negative. If I were the kind of person who sees things how people tell them to, I'd think that I'm fat and ugly.
I'm normally not that kind of person, but that is how I've been seeing myself. A part of me even wants to force myself to have some kind of eating disorder, so that it'd get bad and the person would be filled with guilt and maybe stop this. But it'd probably just result in me being stupid for doing such a thing, and having no self control, etc. And I cant talk to them about it, because it'll end up being about them, and the fault will be on me.
I'm fragile, really I am. I can't help but cry when I feel bad. I try to be stronger, but I just end up bottling everything in so I dont cry, and then I just become depressed.

Soak in me & Drown.

We've only spoken once yet I feel connected.
He's the stranger I've been longing to confide in.
The one I can tell all my problems
and not worry about being backstabbed,
or my secrets being leaked.
Because he's miles over the ocean,
and his voice sounds so different.
Unusual, and safely foreign.
Yet our minds work the same way.
He's not living in a hole,
he's not flying in artificial highs.
He's somewhere safe on ground.
---

I've been wanting to talk to a stranger for a long time. Someone I can open up to, someone I can tell all my shallow desires, my dark secrets, my fears, and my stupid problems. I want this so bad because I know the stranger wont judge me, they dont even know me. The secrets can't get out, because nobody will know who I am. I need someone who wont make the conversations resurface. Someone who can't hurt me.

So much to Do, So much to See, So what's wrong with taking the Back Street?

Waking up to a grouch is not the way to start your Sunday.

Can't wait, can't wait `til I'm out of this place.

Don't trust Me.

We had our production today, A Sorta Fairytale. We sold tickets in costumes and put up the posters, Ina and Regg followed me around in their freaky doll costumes. We freaked a couple of people out but it was really cool :) we were actually supposed to have a dress rehearsal at 8am, but guess what? Some stupid primary teacher organized a Twilight showing. First of all, that's a gay movie, second, they promoted piracy. PIRACY! :O It pissed all of us off because we had no idea what lights or sounds we'd use, and were screwed up with our blockings.

Well we convinced loadsa people to watch, and the turnout was actually great! But due to gay twilight, they had to wait a bleeding 30 minutes! As if Twilight couldn't get any worse. We were so scared our audience would get pissed then leave, but they were pretty nice, so they finallyyy got into the little theatre, and guess what, the stupid technician thought we were showing a movie, so the technical stuff wasn't prepared.



Meaning no lights or sounds = end of the world.



Well we still did it anyway, and aside from a few prolonged silences due to problems with cues, it was great! The audience reacted to scenes, and they all complimented us afterwards! I was so proud of the Thespians since we did it without any effects and people still thought we were good.

Anyway, we were supposed to do Juno afterwards, but for some bullshit reason the classroom we were meant to act in was locked, and wouldn't be opened. So we had no Juno. Which greatly pissed Ellie off. And as much as I wanted to do Juno, I don't think it would have been as good as it could be, you know?



Anyway, the csa fair SUCKS. So nobody go. Last year was better, with the energy and the booths and all. Anyway so today we wanted to go on this ride, or play with those balloon dart things. like where you throw the darts to pop the balloons. Yeah. but the ticket line was soo long, it was unreal, so we decided to just walk around. When I was on my way to the bathroom this girl from the LG club pulled me aside and asked me to do the catwalk for the Fair King & Queen interval. I didn't have anything to wear so I borrowed Pias dress and regg's size 6 shoes [i'm a size 8 :] and yeah, it was fun. Anyway rest of the day was gay.



and now that the play is over, I feel kinda sad. Like I dont really have anything to look forward to, you know? No more saturdays with Thespos. :(

I'm the Wizard of Ooh's & Ahh's & Fa-La-La's.

Joanna.

What comes to mind when I think of myself?

A group of laughing girls.

An excited scream.

Loud, upbeat music.

The typing of a keyboard.

The engine of a schoolbus.

The zing of freshly opened oranges.

Tantrums.

The sound of playing children.

The crunching of an ice cream cone.

Pinky promises between friends.

Bright lights blinding your eyes.

Coke cans and pixie sticks.

Sugar rushes.

Face paint and balloons.

Headbanging to no music.

Rain.

When you want to dance or cry or scream for no reason.

Creatively desperate inventions.

Roadtrips and random singalongs.

Messed up homemade manicures.

Marshmallows and burnt cookies.

The smell of freshly cut, green grass.

Stuffed toys and kites.

Ink and iPods.

Colourful scarves and hats.

Humorous bumper stickers.

Cereal drowned in Milk.

Guinea Pigs.

The panting of a dog.

The smell of cookie dough.

When chocolate runs all over your fingers.

Jamming with no instruments.

Singing out loud- and completely out of tune.

Dancing in the rain.

The smell of dug up earth.

Purple candy floss and playing cards.

Ringing phones and lollipops.

When the wind playfully teases your hair.

The blue sparkle of the sea.

Kayaking onto rocks.

Sloped tents and campfires.

Dancing in your knickers.

Truth or Dare.

Kisses on your cheek.

Summer's heat and cloudless skies.

Music Drips into the Room.

I stare at the white paper, thinking of what I should draw on it. It must be something inspiring and creative. Something which channels my emotions, a blast of colour and feeling or paper. Yes, it must be striking. It has to make me marvel whenever I see it.

So, I ask myself, what should I start drawing...?

I look at the paper for a while. Sitting, motionless. Sadly, I put it back into its plastic slip.

Nothing, I realise. Because I haven't got anything inspiring within me.