Monday, 16 February 2009

I dont know how to start writing. In fact, all of my writing has been pretty crappy lately. I dont feel any moving words rush through me, not how they used to. I feel like I try too hard to come up with something to say. Which depresses me.

I'm sad yet again.

I can't really explain what I feel. But th e person who's supposed to love me the most for what I am is the one that makes me feel so low. Constant criticism just shoots me down, until all I can do is cry. I want to get out of this place so maybe they'll love me as much as they love my sisters overseas, so that I'll stop having to take the blame for things that aren't even my fault. I feel like a punching bag, that nobody cares. I have to soak in all the mistakes and all the frustration, because nobody else will and somebody has to do it. It's just annoying, how I never used to be treated like this, ever. And now it's part of my daily routine. The way I look, the way I act, the things I do or don't do, everything seems to be negative. If I were the kind of person who sees things how people tell them to, I'd think that I'm fat and ugly.
I'm normally not that kind of person, but that is how I've been seeing myself. A part of me even wants to force myself to have some kind of eating disorder, so that it'd get bad and the person would be filled with guilt and maybe stop this. But it'd probably just result in me being stupid for doing such a thing, and having no self control, etc. And I cant talk to them about it, because it'll end up being about them, and the fault will be on me.
I'm fragile, really I am. I can't help but cry when I feel bad. I try to be stronger, but I just end up bottling everything in so I dont cry, and then I just become depressed.

2 comments:

Lienne said...

you are perfect to me, in every way doode.
trust me, they shouldn't theoretically say things like that but it's a rough patch and sometimes people say things they don't mean when they're mad.

depression is a state of mind, i know going out with friends and things make you happy but you can easily turn the worst situation into a good one, if you try hard enough. whenever i feel down, i just think about the good things that 've happened to me.

if ever you need to talk, i'm a call away. even closer, right now, that i'm home. so don't ever think you're fat or ugly or whatever because you're sure as hell not.

:) teehee <3

Joanna said...

:) that cheered me up a lot