Saturday, 28 February 2009
6am, the bus picks me up and my bus mother is pretty confused with what I'm wearing, since it's not school uniform. On the bus I resume my regular routine, sit down then listen to the iPod while half-asleep. I get a call from Grace, she tells me she is no longer going for the audition. You can imagine what I was like, the letters W-T-F were running through my mind, and I was panicking `cause I couldnt go for the audition alone, and I couldn't go to school in mufti. So I smsed Molly and told her she can't ditch me, and I was begging her to go, luckily she agreed, stating that I owe her one ;)
When we got there, ours jaws literally dropped open. The line stretched as far as our eyes could see, and that wasn't even the end of it. We lined up behind some people but we started worrying cause they all looked so old. We asked a lady if the line was for the teen edition, and she told us "No". We were so annoyed so we asked where the line for teens was, and the marshall directed that it was on the other side of the block. BJSBF97843QG.
A few hours passed and we met a few new faces, ones we'll never see again, we talked about ourselves and made polite conversation, but as the line went on, we started worrying that we were once again in the wrong place. We asked a marshall and he said we were, but another marshall said we werent. The new people we met were determined to stay in the line even if it was the wrong one, they couldn't make us go all the way to the back, no way.
After 6 hours of lining up in the scorching sun, we were so close to that white tent. Everyone was so excited to get under it because it was some sort of landmark of achievement. The White Tent. Bodies started pressing against one another and we all shared the same heat, the air was wet with sweat and the drizzle which just passed by. We were all quiet, nursing our dizziness and headaches, bearing the blazing sun, determined not to lose the little energy we had left.
Then my head started spinning. I couldn't lean over because there wasn't enough space, and my stomach was clenching, begging for food. I drained my last bottle of water, and the voices of pissed off and tired girls were filling my ears. "Molly. We have to go." Were the only words I said. She looked at me, and told me not to faint on the road. I clung to her and pushed my way out of the line, girls were watching us give up the spots we were holding onto for so long. It just wasn't worth it.
I was pissed off that I gave up, I really was. But I wasn't willing to sacrifice my health when I probably wasn't even going to get a number for an audition. I later found out that they told all those people waiting in line to go home, because they couldnt accomodate the ten thousand hopefuls. Luckily I've been given a chance to audition once more, on another date. I'm going prepared next time. :] Wish me luck.
Sunday, 22 February 2009
Inside, my soul hysterically lunges about, screaming a million echoes of torture. It aches with his burning desire to ruin me and win his eternal battle with light.
Wednesday, 18 February 2009
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
That's why it's expected that I hate it when girls rely on guys for happiness. I just dont understand how they can degrade themselves like that, why they make it seem as if it's impossible for them to be happy without guys. Maybe it's an insecurity thing, they constantly need to be loved? It's kind of sad. And it gives off the whole maiden-locked-in-a-tower thing where they NEED a prince to save them. Why couldn't those maidens save themselves? Why did it have to be some prince, and why did they have to fall in love? Why couldn't they just become close friends, or gym buddies or something?
But I have to admit, having a crush or a guy really can make you over the moon. It's fun, just liking someone and watching out for signs and gushing over silly comments. Life gives us so many reasons to be sad, and these light little flings, they make you feel somewhat special, which hardly happens anywhere else.
Monday, 16 February 2009
I'm sad yet again.
I can't really explain what I feel. But th e person who's supposed to love me the most for what I am is the one that makes me feel so low. Constant criticism just shoots me down, until all I can do is cry. I want to get out of this place so maybe they'll love me as much as they love my sisters overseas, so that I'll stop having to take the blame for things that aren't even my fault. I feel like a punching bag, that nobody cares. I have to soak in all the mistakes and all the frustration, because nobody else will and somebody has to do it. It's just annoying, how I never used to be treated like this, ever. And now it's part of my daily routine. The way I look, the way I act, the things I do or don't do, everything seems to be negative. If I were the kind of person who sees things how people tell them to, I'd think that I'm fat and ugly.
I'm normally not that kind of person, but that is how I've been seeing myself. A part of me even wants to force myself to have some kind of eating disorder, so that it'd get bad and the person would be filled with guilt and maybe stop this. But it'd probably just result in me being stupid for doing such a thing, and having no self control, etc. And I cant talk to them about it, because it'll end up being about them, and the fault will be on me.
I'm fragile, really I am. I can't help but cry when I feel bad. I try to be stronger, but I just end up bottling everything in so I dont cry, and then I just become depressed.
Sunday, 15 February 2009
He's the stranger I've been longing to confide in.
The one I can tell all my problems
and not worry about being backstabbed,
or my secrets being leaked.
Because he's miles over the ocean,
and his voice sounds so different.
Unusual, and safely foreign.
Yet our minds work the same way.
He's not living in a hole,
he's not flying in artificial highs.
He's somewhere safe on ground.
I've been wanting to talk to a stranger for a long time. Someone I can open up to, someone I can tell all my shallow desires, my dark secrets, my fears, and my stupid problems. I want this so bad because I know the stranger wont judge me, they dont even know me. The secrets can't get out, because nobody will know who I am. I need someone who wont make the conversations resurface. Someone who can't hurt me.
Thursday, 12 February 2009
Well we convinced loadsa people to watch, and the turnout was actually great! But due to gay twilight, they had to wait a bleeding 30 minutes! As if Twilight couldn't get any worse. We were so scared our audience would get pissed then leave, but they were pretty nice, so they finallyyy got into the little theatre, and guess what, the stupid technician thought we were showing a movie, so the technical stuff wasn't prepared.
Meaning no lights or sounds = end of the world.
Well we still did it anyway, and aside from a few prolonged silences due to problems with cues, it was great! The audience reacted to scenes, and they all complimented us afterwards! I was so proud of the Thespians since we did it without any effects and people still thought we were good.
Anyway, we were supposed to do Juno afterwards, but for some bullshit reason the classroom we were meant to act in was locked, and wouldn't be opened. So we had no Juno. Which greatly pissed Ellie off. And as much as I wanted to do Juno, I don't think it would have been as good as it could be, you know?
Anyway, the csa fair SUCKS. So nobody go. Last year was better, with the energy and the booths and all. Anyway so today we wanted to go on this ride, or play with those balloon dart things. like where you throw the darts to pop the balloons. Yeah. but the ticket line was soo long, it was unreal, so we decided to just walk around. When I was on my way to the bathroom this girl from the LG club pulled me aside and asked me to do the catwalk for the Fair King & Queen interval. I didn't have anything to wear so I borrowed Pias dress and regg's size 6 shoes [i'm a size 8 :] and yeah, it was fun. Anyway rest of the day was gay.
and now that the play is over, I feel kinda sad. Like I dont really have anything to look forward to, you know? No more saturdays with Thespos. :(
Tuesday, 10 February 2009