27.01.09

I feel empty. Not the same depression I once had a few weeks ago, just... emptiness. It's like there's no more joy, no more centre that lightens up my world and makes everything meaningful. I don't know what is was before, but it's gone now.

I dread school. All I want is to get through the day on super-speed, make it flash by. I can't bring myself to focus, or to understand. It makes me feel so stupid, like there's a brick wall resisting my urges to break through.

I'm happy when I'm out of the house, with friends. I feel like I'm actually living this life I've been given.

Epiphany.

It could be him speaking around me. It probably is. Signs pointing to that direction, above. I have told myself how many times it has been a reason for existence. But I've never been able to wrap my head around it. And I'm not so sure it is the centre I am looking for.

Beauty in the Dullest of Things.

The sky turns to a golden grey. Kind of beautiful. It reminds me not of the pretty things amongst the ugly, but more of the pretty things IN the ugly. I Predict a Riot is playing through my earphones, Gia animatedly tells a story, the others are lying down on their seats, finally glad to be on their way home. Cool air blows in from the windows, lessening the smell of cat's piss in this little bus. Yes, the golden grey clouds paint the perfect background. Although the road is bumpy and the seat's too narrow, I haven't felt this relaxed in a long time.

Hazy Skies and Last Goodbyes.

I'm still blurred with sleep and the morning chill, my stomach hasn't consumed anything yet, but the first thing I wanted to do when I properly got up was log onto blogspot so I could write about my dream last night. I always seem to have such strange dreams, I wonder if it's because I have such a strange mind.

We were going to our province, about 3 and a half hours away if you drive. But weirdly, the car was packed with all our relatives, so I had to ride a bike to get there. It wasn't so bad, since it was some weird model for long distances, so I could lean back and it was motor-powered.

Things were fine until we were about half-way, I lost sight of our car, and the dirt roads and the horizon started getting rockier. I didn't panic, because I thought I knew the way. All I had to do was go straight. Wrong, because each road had a fork at the end, where I'd have to decide: Right or Left? I kept going what seemed to be the correct way, but obviously wasn't. Due to my mistakes, I found myself in on a long stretch of road that ended at the base of huge mountains, all that was around me was an old man and 2 little sons, their shack of a house in the middle of a field, and a dark, hazy sky.

I asked the man if I could text with his phone, hoping that he would have one. Thankfully, he did, but he thought I would pay for the text. I told him I didn't have any money, so he refused to let me use it. I pleaded with him, telling him that I lost my family and I have no money and no phone, but there was a language barrier and he didn't seem to get me. I started panicking, crying and hyperventilating because I didn't know how I'd get back. I had heard about those kids who go missing but they make some kind of news and lots of reporters go to check it out and the parents then find their children on Tv, but... how was I supposed to get any reporters where there wasn't even electricity or running water?

I got back on my bike and turned around, going the way I came. I drove and drove onwards until I reached a sunny district bustling with tourists, I jumped with joy, people who spoke english! I ran up to 2 women and asked if I could borrow their phone, I had lost my parents, so they gave me their phone but as I was dialling my mother's number, her car had driven up right behind me.

In the end, yes I found my parents and all was okay. But what matters more to me is the meaning of the dream. Think about it, I went on by myself, thinking I'd be okay, I made my own decisions on the road, and I ended up in the middle of nowhere, then I realised I had to find my parents for help, and as I reached out to call for them, they had arrived instantly.

I'm wondering, is this dream telling me to stop trying to make my own decisions because maybe I dont yet know the difference between right and wrong well enough? Is it telling me to obey my parents because they do? It's like a warning, if I keep on thinking I know everything, I know the way, I'm going to get lost. But it's also comforting to know, that even if I go the wrong way, I can always turn back to my parents.

Have you ever gone the wrong way but returned to your parents? How did they feel with your "return"?

My Ship Sails Within a Glass Bottle.

One of my good friends, Darren Sapalo, inspired me today.

He had written his everyday feelings into a notebook, and it formed a type of mini-book. Extremely interesting and heartfelt, it made me feel like I was going through all these things with him. It was personal beyond belief and it was heart-breaking yet bone-tickling at the same time. It made me wish I could write so personally and so effectively. Kudos to you, Darren. Kudos to you.

All Eyes on Me at the Centre of the Ring- Just Like a Circus.

I confess. I love Britney Spears. I love her. She has practically etched a home in my heart.

It started when I was little, like every other kid in the 90's, I saw her on Tv, on the Internet, in Magazine, I heard her on the Radio, on Mtv, pretty much everywhere. Her catchy songs stayed in my head, refusing to leave, forcing me to force my mom to buy her albums, then play it all day everyday in my bedroom, as I sang to myself in the mirror. It wasn't long `til I was collecting posters and buying dolls.

But then she went downhill, and her sweetness that kept all of us girls hooked, went down the drain. Her skin becoming more exposed and sweatier in her videos [yuck], her songs becoming more explicit, she was just no longer the little girl's idol, she had grown up before we had.

But I have to say, after several different scandelous affairs, her songs started sounding good, again. The catchy beats which were long lost in my head, came back, and my childhood awe resurfaced. I got hooked again.

And now I really want britney to come to the philippines if youre reading this britney or any contact of hers tell her to come she can stay at my place and we can go do sister stuff.

This Emerald City.

The thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely, because almost everyone has that smallest bit of faith and hope that one day they would open their eyes and it would all come true.

At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing.

It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale is slightly different than your dream. The castle, well it may not be a castle. And it's not so important that it's happily ever after -- just that it's happy right now. See, once in a while, people will surprise you. And once in a blue moon, people may even take your breath away.

I have loved this quote from Grey's Anatomy since I first heard it.

It will always be a reminder.

A reminder that sometimes things turn out worse, sometimes they turn out better. Okay, so you didn't become a millionaire, but at least you aren't at risk of being hurt. You don't own more than 2 houses, but at least you really have a home. You may not have the most amazing looks, but at least you have people that love you.

A reminder that it's okay if I don't reach as high as I plan, nobody is anticipating a fall, except maybe myself.

A reminder that amidst all the struggle in everyday life, there are still those special moments, those which last a fraction of a second, the length of time is takes for light to bounce off an object and illuminate it, bathing it in gold. Those moments where your emotion is so overwhelming you feel like you're about to drown in it. When the world stops still, and everybody is frozen in time, including you. And all that runs free is your happiness, and that makes the struggle of life.. Okay.

Has anything or anyone ever taken your breath away?

I bring the Fire.

NEW HAIR! :] Tell me what you think :]

We slow down before the Finish Line

It's the 4th and final term of the year, and I no longer feel the motivation. I might not get my card cause i've failed to submit [or even do] my parish involvement. I know I should be working hard, proving myself, but I honestly cannot be bothered. It's just a matter of time until we graduate this year and find ourselves in SUMMER.

It's 8:30 and I have yet to take my evening bath, finish the homework of the new lesson I missed, construct a Lesson Plan and create an actual LESSON. STAP week next, there's just so much a single person can handle, and creating a step-by-step plan of all the things i intend to do during a lesson, not my cup of tea.

BTW, I'm thinking about changing my blog layout to something.. perkier. The black does me no good, it puts me in the state of surreal calmness, where everything has a dark side. I want a colour that reminds me of childhood innocence and light streaming into bubblebaths.

I Just Wanna be Ok, be Ok.

I have felt lonelier before, but sitting all alone in this silent house makes me depressed.

I'm sad.

Nobody is online, since there's school tomorrow.

But even if they were, I'd have no one to talk to.

The person I need the most is halfway across the world.

And my calls wont go through.

I want to talk to some random stranger.

Somebody who doesnt know who I am.

Somebody I dont have to prove anything to.

Somebody who will just listen, and not see me differently the next day.

But there's nobody out there.

Not even the sad, soulful voice in a song.

I feel so alone.

Wake up the Dawn and ask her, Why?

How wrong is it to wish a person to death? To ask God to take that person's life because you're so sick of them. Is it really such a horrible act? How about if that person is causing so much pain, is suffering himself, and probably has no future left?

It's funny how I'm my strongest when i'm surrounded by weaker, more emotional people. I sense their despair and i know i have to hold myself together. Seeing them grieve is also what makes me feel strong. It's not like i feed off their sadness, i just realise that there's no need for two weepers in a confined space.

My mother's tears gathered at the rim of her eyes, she was trying her best to disguise them, but I always know when she's about to cry because her nose turns red. I kept to myself, arms clutched around my body, so that i wouldn't fall apart. I hate seeing her cry, she is so strong and when i finally see that every superhero has a weakness, i see darkness which wasn't there before. I heard the profanities leaking out of his mouth, each word tainted with anger and depression, his eyes glazed over, like a blind man. He cursed and cursed as if he was suffering a thousand deaths, and even though i knew it wasn't in his control, anger surged beneath my skin, and i silently told myself, I hate him.

When he was out of the room, my mother turned to me with her sorry face, and shook her head.
"Why can't God take him?" She whispered to me. Secretly, I was asking the same thing.
"Why is God making us suffer like this? Why is God making him suffer? It would be better if he took him, please, God, please."
I know it was a horrible thing to wish for, but I really do think he'd be better off in heaven, where he wouldn't have to pay to fly to the moon, where he can see his dearly beloved stars, where he can experience spring on Jupiter and Mars.